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Friday, December 13, 2013

Treatment Plan | THE Original Treatment Plan

patient note

i've been in pain a lot the last few days. it's gotten worse. can barely type.


left hand fingers burn and numb at same time for all night last night and all day today
migraine headache
sensitivity to light

current treatment

daily meditation
klonopin (.5mg morning and night)
sedating marijuana as pain and anxiety control
organic diet
juicing 2-3 times a week
beer as pain control

therapy needed

finger exercises
light 1 lb. weight exercises
meditative yoga
meditation twice a day
mirror exercises

diet changes needed

gut and physiology syndrome diet

alcohol elimination

Tuesday, December 3, 2013

The Secret | Living in the Moment

This morning I feel pretty great, well, my arm does at any rate. My head still has a lingering headache, but it's infinitely better than yesterday. Woo, hoo!

I woke up this morning next to a beautiful man.  A man who makes my heart sing and my pulse race. That's a wonderful thing. I know I have this awful disorder that makes me throw my hands up in defeat, but these are the moments that I need to focus my energy on. The moments that make me so childishly happy, that make my heart flutter, are the ones that I need to absorb all the energy from and re-purpose that energy when I'm in pain or sad. If I can just refocus that energy I would be golden and this would all just fall away.

Every moment like that has so much energy in it to fuel our minds and our bodies. We need that connection to others to make us feel alive. The energy that it produces can fuel us in moments of weakness where the focus is not on the 'here and now', but the 'what if's'. Those moments make us forget what we live for and should be refocused on the positive energy our lives feed us at regular intervals. We just have to pay attention and live fully in the moment to store that energy.

It wasn't until this year that I finally figured this much out. I was a depressed person for too many years to count. This year I awoke to the incredible gift of energy. A therapist tried to get me to understand the concept of living in the moment, but I was too messed up to listen then. It's only now, after years of being off all those psychiatric medications, that I can see and feel what she meant.

Living in the moment is just like it sounds. I savor moments like some people savor chocolate. This past April I helped lead a large protest rally. It was inspirational and it changed my life. I no longer accepted my fate as it was. I was out there changing my life and the lives of others. I was happy for the first time in my life. I encountered people that I didn't know existed. People that were intelligent and made me think. People who questioned all things in life just as I do. That in itself created so much positive energy in my life that I changed my life.

I was no longer satisfied with a half life. I'm not complete in my life to be glowing just yet, but I'm a lot closer than I've ever been before. I was too scared to look at some aspects of my life that needed revising. I was inspired by others to change and so I leapt into the abyss. I'm not going to lie and say that it's not without fear. I'm getting to a place where there will be less of that. I will get to a place where my positive refocusing is a full time gig. This I promise myself.

It's all a matter of living in the moment. Enjoying every single, itty bitty moment. Even the moments that cause pain have energy. I believe it's all about fine tuning that negative energy and adjusting it to invite vibrations of good will to your life. At least that's the conclusion that I've come to. I'm putting that last part into my daily mindful practice.

No time like the present. I believe I will now go love and experience more of those delicious rays of energy. Mmmmm.

Monday, December 2, 2013

Guinea Pig Experiment | Klonopin

Stressed out and not thinking straight has a lot to do with the lack of dopamine that Tardive Dyskinesia patients experience. [source]

I'm trying (with difficulty) to de-stress. I'm trying to figure out how to do that. I believe it's all about figuring out what triggers one to stress. In my case it's too much noise, too much stimulation. I need the calm sometimes and it can seem elusive when I feel overwhelmed and overstimulated. The TV reaches a piercing pitch. The light becomes unbearable. 

I succumbed to temptation, to the easy route. Yesterday and I took the Klonopin that my doctor prescribed for me. I was sad and disappointed in myself all freaking day. Here I advertise not to ingest that chemical stuff and I do the opposite. I just don't think I have another choice.

I tried the Kava Kava at regular intervals during the day, but it just didn't do the trick. I do admit that I could meditate more than once a day, but I need to relax and get into a groove to do this. I decided that a little help couldn't hurt every once in a while just so I can get back to myself and remember that I can beat this thing. Sometimes I need more help than others.

Yesterday was a bad day. I woke up crying. The pain was excruciating even before I awoke. I know what it was, too. It was the result of too much stress. Too much stress kills me, well, almost anyway. The pain began in my wrist, my fingers slowly went numb and then it was hard to hold up my arm. Then the spasms began and my fingers burned, but were also numb at the same time. Holding anything at that moment is an impossibility.

To top that off, yesterday was particularly emotional for me. I'm not always an emotional wreck, but yesterday I had had enough and I was having a "Why me?" morning. What had I done in my life to deserve so much pain? I know that I'm still on the grief scale and I'm alternating between anger, bargaining and depression, but at least I'm past the denial stage. I began to type that I know acceptance will come, but I wonder if with acceptance comes compliance? Compliance is not in this girl's future. EVER.

I took an extremely hot shower. Cried uncontrollably. I had reached my breaking point. So, I took half of a .5mg Klonopin. I felt super relaxed after 20 minutes and within 40 minutes (I think) I fell asleep and slept for two hours straight. It felt so great to be able to sleep. It's been months since I've slept that deeply for that long.

The doctor prescribed .5mg cut in half twice a day. I only took it in the morning yesterday because I was zonked until 3pm yesterday. At 3pm I could've used another one, but I was at work. This morning I decided to take a 1/4 of a .5mg. If I'm going to take this to regulate my stress then I'm going to do it on my terms. I'm going to take the least amount I can. I'm not going to be a fucking zombie. Been there, done that in my heavily medicated days as a misdiagnosed bipolar patient.

And, because I have been there and done that, I feel like I have a wealth of wisdom about what I'm embarking on. Just enough and not too much is the key. I will not be a willing slave to Big Pharma. I'm going to use them and then throw them away. That's the plan anyway.


Clonazepam Side Effects [source]

Adverse effects[edit]

Very common[edit]

  • Drowsiness[31]
  • Interference with cognitive and motor performance
  • Euphoria (Mostly due to anxiolytic properties)

Less common[edit]

  • Confusion[7]
  • Irritability and aggression[32]
  • Psychomotor agitation[33]
  • Lack of motivation[34]
  • Loss of libido
  • Impaired motor function
    • Impaired coordination
    • Impaired balance
    • Dizziness
  • Cognitive impairments[35]
  • Some users report hangover-like symptoms of being drowsy, having a headache, being sluggish, and being irritable after waking up if the medication is taken before sleep. This is likely the result of the medication's long half-life, which continues to affect the user after waking up.[citation needed]
  • The "hangover effect" some experience not only results from clonazepam's considerably long half-life. Like many other benzodiazepines, when taken as a sleep-aid, clonazepam disrupts or interferes with the brain's delta waves. Delta waves signify the brain's slowest waves (~4 Hz) and occur during Stage 4 sleep, which represents humans' deepest sleep state (our muscles are the most relaxed; breathing slows and becomes shallow), and the stage right before R.E.M. sleep and dreaming (Stage 5). Therefore, upon waking, this disruption of Stage 4 delta wave sleep causes a failure for an adequate brain/body rest or "recharge".[citation needed]
[39][40] While benzodiazepines induce sleep, they tend to produce a poorer quality sleep than natural sleep. Benzodiazepines such as clonazepam suppress REM sleep.[41] After regular use rebound insomnia can occur when discontinuing clonazepam.[42]



  • Psychosis[52]
  • Incontinence[53][54][55]
  • Liver damage[56]
  • Paradoxical behavioural disinhibition[7][57] (most frequently in children, the elderly, and in persons with developmental disabilities)
    • Rage
    • Excitement
    • Impulsivity
    • Worsening of seizures

Long term effects[edit]

The long term effects of clonazepam can include depressiondisinhibition, and sexual dysfunction.[58] Long-term use of benzodiazepines is also associated with cognitive impairments that can persist for at least six months post-withdrawal, but it is unclear whether these impairments take more than six months to abate or if they are permanent. Benzodiazepines may cause or worsen depression.[7]


  • Anxiety, irritability, insomnia, tremors
  • Potential to exacerbate existing panic disorder upon discontinuation
  • Seizures[59] similar to delirium tremens (with long-term use of excessive doses)
Benzodiazepines such as clonazepam can be very effective in controlling status epilepticus, but, when used for longer periods of time, some potentially serious side-effects may develop, such as interference with cognitive functions and behavior.[60] Many individuals treated on a long-term basis develop a form of dependence known as "low-dose dependence," as was shown in one double-blind, placebo-controlled study of 34 therapeuticlow-dose benzodiazepine users — physiological dependence was demonstrated by flumazenil-precipitated withdrawal.[61] Use of alcohol or otherCNS depressants while taking clonazepam greatly intensifies the effects (and side-effects) of the drug. Side-effects of the drug itself are generally benign, but sudden withdrawal after long-term use can cause severe symptoms.

Tolerance and withdrawal[edit]

Like all benzodiazepines, clonazepam is a benzodiazepine receptor agonist.[62][63] One third of individuals treated with benzodiazepines for longer than four weeks develop a dependence on the drug and experience a withdrawal syndrome upon dose reduction. High dosage and long term use increases the risk and severity of dependence and withdrawal symptoms. Withdrawal seizures and psychosis can occur in severe cases of withdrawal and anxiety and insomnia in less severe cases of withdrawal. Gradual reduction in dosage reduces the severity of the benzodiazepine withdrawal syndrome. Due to the risks of tolerance and withdrawal seizures clonazepam is generally not recommended for the long-term management of epilepsies. Increasing the dose can overcome the effects of tolerance but tolerance to the higher dose may occur and adverse effects may increase. The mechanism of tolerance includes receptor desensitisation, down regulation, receptor uncoupling and alterations in subunit composition and alterations in gene transcription coding.[7]


Tolerance to the anticonvulsant effects of clonazepam occurs in both animals and humans. In humans, tolerance to the anticonvulsant effects of clonazepam occurs frequently.[64][65] Chronic use of benzodiazepines leads to the development of tolerance with a decrease of benzodiazepine binding sites. The degree of tolerance is more pronounced with clonazepam than with chlordiazepoxide.[66] In general, short-term therapy is more effective than long-term therapy with clonazepam for the treatment of epilepsy.[67] Many studies have found that tolerance develops to the anticonvulsant properties of clonazepam with chronic use, which limits its long term effectiveness as an anticonvulsant.[68]


Abrupt or over-rapid withdrawal from clonazepam may result in the development of the benzodiazepine withdrawal syndrome, causing psychosis characterised by dysphoric manifestations, irritability, aggressiveness, anxiety, and hallucinations.[69][70][71] Sudden withdrawal may also induce the potentially life threatening condition status epilepticus. Antiepileptic drugs, benzodiazepines such as clonazepam in particular, should be reduced slowly and gradually when discontinuing the drug to reduce withdrawal effects.[50] Carbamazepine has been trialed in the treatment of clonazepam withdrawal and has been found to be ineffective in preventing clonazepam withdrawal status epilepticus from occurring.[72]

Special precautions[edit]

The elderly metabolise benzodiazepines more slowly than younger individuals and are also more sensitive to the effects of benzodiazepines even at similar blood plasma levels. Doses for the elderly are recommended to be about half of that given to younger adults and given for no longer than 2 weeks. Long-acting benzodiazepines such as clonazepam are not generally recommended for the elderly due the risk of drug accumulation.[7]
Caution in the elderly: increased risk of impairments, falls and drug accumulation. Benzodiazepines also require special precaution if used in pregnant, alcohol- or drug-dependent individuals and individuals with comorbid psychiatric disorders.[73] Clonazepam is generally not recommended for use in elderly people for insomnia due to its high potency relative to other benzodiazepines.[74]
Caution in children: Clonazepam is not recommended for use in those under 18. Use in very young children may be especially hazardous. Of anticonvulsant drugs behavioural disturbances occur most frequently with clonazepam and phenobarbital.[73][75]
Caution using high dosages of clonazepam. Doses higher than 0.5 – 1 mg per day are associated with significant sedation.[76]
Clonazepam may aggravate hepatic porphyria.[77][78]
Caution in chronic schizophrenia. A 1982 double blinded placebo controlled study found clonazepam increases violent behavior in individuals with chronic schizophrenia.[79]


Clonazepam decreases the levels of carbamazepine,[80][81] and likewise clonazepam's level is reduced by carbamazepine. Azole antifungals such asketoconazole may inhibit the metabolism of clonazepam.[7] Clonazepam may affect levels of phenytoin (diphenylhydantoin) by decreasing,[80][82] or increasing.[83][84] In turn Phenytoin may lower clonazepam plasma levels, by increasing the speed of clonazepam clearance by approximately 50% and decreasing its half-life by 31%.[85] Clonazepam increases the levels of primidone,[83] and phenobarbital.[86]
Combined use of clonazepam with certain antidepressantsantiepileptics such as phenobarbitalphenytoin and carbamazepine, sedativeantihistaminesopiatesantipsychotics and alcohol may result in enhanced sedative effects.[7]


Clonazepam, like other benzodiazepines, will impair one's ability to drive or operate machinery. The central nervous system depressing effects of the drug can be intensified by alcohol consumption and therefore alcohol should be avoided while taking this medication. Benzodiazepines have been shown to cause both psychological and physical dependence. Patients physically dependent on clonazepam should be slowly titrated off under the supervision of a qualified healthcare professional to reduce the intensity of withdrawal or rebound symptoms.


Experiment Details:

Day 1: 1/2 .5 mg
Side Effects : Tired and relaxed

Day 2: 1/4 .5 mg in the morning, and 1/2 .5mg at night
Side Effects: Tired and loss of libido
Note to Self: Don't take more than once a day.

Day 7: 1/4 .5 mg in the morning, and 1/2 .5mg at night
Effectiveness: I haven't had any major pain for FIVE days!
Side Effects: Sadness
Note to Self: Skip the morning dose unless the pain returns.

Day 37: 1/2 .5 mg morning and night
Side Effects: Fatigue.
Note to Self: Just had a pain storm that lasted five days. Haven't been pain free since Day 10. I need to get off this medicine, but will continue taking them for one more month to conclude my experiment.


I stopped taking Klonopins at the end of June. I have continued to progress despite being on them, so decided to discontinue use. My body needs to be clean to rid itself of all impurities and it can't be clean with a pharmaceutical in it. All pharmaceuticals are plant derivatives spliced with chemicals that are toxic.

Wednesday, November 27, 2013

Wellness Journal | Stress & Asking For Help

I started my morning with Imagine Dragon's "Radioactive" blaring on my iPhone. I'm zoning out. I do this when I need to think or when I need to feel something other than I'm feeling. It's my therapy sans crappy ass people (also known as mental health professionals) who think they know what's best for you. People like that can get me in trouble. Hell, that's exactly why I'm in the trouble I'm in now.

We saw the movement specialist doctor yesterday and I'm extremely saddened by the appointment. My boyfriend saw the appointment as positive and I just didn't which just begs the question, "How depressed am I?"

At this point, "Superman" by Lazio Bane comes on my iPod. Remember the show Scrubs? Then you'll know exactly what I mean. It's the shuffle on my iTunes and it's the universe reminding me that I'm not alone. I have a wonderful support system. I have friends and I'm in love with a wonderful man.

I tend to think that I'm alone in this life and that I can't depend on anyone but myself which creates resentments that lead to more anxiety. It's time to let go and let the universe do for me. It's time to implore a little faith. Faith in something other than myself. I'm letting go. It's not a choice anymore.

The doctor told me that there's little I can do except take psychiatric meds. I agreed like a good little patient when I was there, but I have to say that I felt so defeated in that room. I felt like this was it for me. I thought that it was just what the universe was bringing my way then I should listen. It's good to listen, to be mindful of the moment. I get that. But when tears flow there's a reason for that, too. At that point the universe is giving me a choice.

Sometimes it will take me a full day to figure out what I need to do. Sometimes it's only minutes. That's best for me because if it's more than a few hours I start getting really sad. I'm sad because I start feeling like there's not another solution. It takes me a while to process my own feelings, but when I get to that point I have to go into my cocoon. I need to be alone. I wanted to be alone yesterday on the hour long ride home from picking up a friend at the airport after my appointment. For hours all I could think about was that I was in a pickle. By the second hour I was freaking out a little bit. I turned on my iPod and tried to zone out and stop thinking about it, but my brain wouldn't let me be.

We finally got home and I thought I would be able to relax, but we realized we were out of marijuana (which is a natural medical necessity for my condition, google it) and then had to go take care of that. I tried to be socialable, but after a while even my laugh sounded fake to me. I had lost the ability to feel joy.

Then everything started annoying the fuck out of me. I got angry. I was angry because I was in this fucking situation in the first place and then everything else annoyed the fuck out of me, too. In one instant I was fucking angry and in the next I was very, very sad.

How had this happened to me AGAIN? What did I ever do to deserve this? I have lived my life as a pretty good person. I'm not perfect. I know I come off like I don't give a shit about people, but that's a defense mechanism because I care more about everyone and everything than probably anyone you would know. I care so goddamn much that it literally hurts me.

I worry constantly about everyone and everything. Everything from I hope that my love's sister is feeling no pain today to wishing that my girls can be as happy as possible even if I'm not with them to feeling pain because I can't be there to hoping they understand someday why I'm doing this. Okay, well, I do think about everyone. Just today because I'm still a little sad I'm wallowing a bit. But how can I not?

Stress is making this disorder worse. I got that from the lady doctor. I got that loud and fucking clear.

When I get like this I have little tricks I learned along my mental healthcare way. This is the way that I cured myself when I was misdiagnosed with Bipolar Disorder and all those pills had poisoned my mind: I listened to a shit load of inspirational music. I have always loaded my music onto my iPod, picked songs and hit shuffle so it would randomly select music in my playlist. I have so many different kinds of music. Everything from Britney Spears to Prince to Enya and everything in-between. So my feeling is that whatever message the universe wants me to hear is the one I'm going to experience this morning.

I also donned a heavy winter coat (at least for Texas) and lay down on the grass and looked up at the dark morning sky. It was quietly beautiful. The sky was a kind of cobalt hue that made me gasp because it was so breathtaking. The moon was a sliver of a crescent and the little dipper was right where I like to see it. It seriously grounded me. I felt rejuvenated. I slowly started letting go of my fears.

I can do this. I can do this without those drugs. I can. I have to be dedicated, but that's where I feel stuck. I need some help. I need help. I hate to even type that. I don't ever like to ask for help. I always want to be a superwoman and do everything myself, but I can't do that anymore. Those ways do not work and they need to be reevaluated.

It's time to remember that there is no box. I'm not thinking outside the box anymore. I'm remembering that that notion is bullshit. There's no fucking box. My mind refuses to be constrained by norms. It's powerful and it's time to use it. It's time to utilize every fucking tissue in my brain. I have to get it fired up. I have to get it fired up. I have to get it fired up…or my soul will die.

So that's where the other part of my plan comes in. I have to be my own holistic coach. I'm eating a clean organic diet. Now I need to add in more. I need to address my mental health with meditation, nature, and living in the moment. I need to ask my friends and family to gently remind me of it so that when I get tired they will lift me up.

I implore the universe...who's going to remind me that I'm not superwoman?