Sunday, June 15, 2014
Treatment Plan | The Secret: The Law of Action
I know it's been a while since I wrote last. I'm so busy lately that I barely take time to wallow in my pain. When I was ill, I wallowed a lot. I think the wallowing made my depression worse.
I've become more enlightened. That's not to say that I know everything, because I do not, but I do know more stuff that makes me happy. For example, I've learned that I'm not in control of anything. I don't control what's going to happen from day to day. I used to get so freaked out if I didn't have every little detail all planned out. Now I just wing everything. I like it. It's so freeing, but it took over a decade after someone explained that I might as well live in the moment to understand what that meant.
But, that doesn't mean I don't slip. I'm human. Like today for example. I told my S.O. that I was going to lose the function of my hand. It's totally against the Law of Attraction which is what I've been preaching and practicing until today. My pain is an 8.5 out of 10. I cried a lot today. I had a big pity party. I am crazy in pain even as I write this. My arm is screaming at me and I'm screaming at it in my head. It's not good. I know it isn't. I know that positive thinking and loving thoughts toward my arm are what I really need, but I fought that today. I just needed to wallow. Just a teeny bit.
My partner has a male nurse friend who told him the story of some girl who had pain in her arm and neck like I did. He said that after multiple surgeries the girl was worse off than she had been before she got the surgeries. I know I'm anti-conventional medicine, but I think until I heard that that I harbored some hope that science could miraculously save me even after all I know. Even as I'm typing this, I'm shaking my head at myself. Propaganda and the government gets the credit for this little brainwashing, but now my eyes are open wider and they see clearer than ever before so I can no longer hide behind the fact that the government made me do it. I know better. I made the choice to take the klonopin. No one forced me.
I'm finally getting that being on this Klonopin is a really stupid idea on my part. I know that it helped at one point, but I'm beginning to think we're past the point of it helping without increasing the dosage. I haven't been taking it as it was prescribed. I've been taking half of what the doctor said to take. A nurse would say that I should take the full dose, but I question whether or not I should because up until a couple of months ago it was working just fine. Now I'm beginning to think that my body is no longer recognizing the chemical. If it's not natural, the body rejects it. It's a fact that I know from a ton of research. If my body is rejecting it then that means that I'm going to have to start taking more and more in order to stay "healthy".
The doctor says I have another two and a half years of this tardive dyskinesia crap, but she doesn't know squat. No doctor does. It's just a big guessing game. I prefer to think of it that way, but in reality I think it's more like unethical human experimentation. We all know I'm tired of being someone else's guinea pig. Fuck the doctors and fuck the government. I'm going off the Klonopin effective immediately. I don't want any plant derivative and chemical combo. Not anymore.