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Thursday, November 6, 2014

Wellness Journal | Psychogenic Dystonia

There is no rhyme or reason when I get like this. My body is not my own. I am tired and frustrated and sick and it is a never ending cycle sometimes. Sometimes I can see my way out, but right now I'm so frazzled.

I have to give up my medicine for the next week and I'm crying right now because it's going to be so hard. I've been experiencing horrible dystonia all week with sharp, piercing pains in my legs. It makes me cry out in my sleep at night. I am slowly losing my mobility. I have to use the handicapped carts at the grocery store. My tremors are worse tonight, not only in my arms, but in my legs, too. This is what happened last time I had a MAJOR episode that lasted for over a week.

So, I estimated how long it took between stopping my medicine last time and the reoccurrence of symptoms. It was five days. My neurology appointment in Houston is next week. Last time I went I only stopped taking my oil for a day. I want them to see me without it. I want it videotaped as I'm sure it will be. I want my illness to be well documented. I want them to see how much better I do on cannabis oil than without.

There are times when I still feel so alone. I have met some people online that have what I have, but it doesn't make me feel better to know them. It makes me sad for all of us. It makes me sad that so little is known about Conversion Disorder. The UK is reclassifying this disorder as a physical disorder next year and I'm glad. Maybe more doctors will take what we suffer into account. There's just not enough research into a disorder that's been around since before Freud's time.

I guess what would make me feel not so alone would be if there would be cannabis oil studies done on Conversion Disorder. Heck, even to know one other person that consumed to compare notes on what is the very best way to consume to help our symptoms would be so awesome and would make me feel less alone.

I know that my road is hard. There is very little research and very little people get completely better. I'm hoping for a happy medium. I want to manage my disorder as best as I can and enjoy my life as much as I can for whatever it is---MOST DAYS, but this moment is just not one of them.

I know I will prevail. I just need rest and relaxation and laughter. I need love and I'm happy to say that I have that in spades around here! I adore my man, my children and our life together. It's what gets me through all the tough times, it's what I hold most dear and it's what fuels me to do what I do. Passion and life is what it's all about.

Whew. I just smiled. Feels great!

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