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Sunday, November 9, 2014

Wellness Journal | Psychogenic Non-Epileptic Seizures

Psychogenic Non-Epileptic Seizures in Conversion Disorder

I just got off the phone with my spouse. I asked him where he was and why he wasn't here when I called out for him. He told me that he had given me a kiss and said he was going to the bank. I don't remember that happening whatsoever.

My memory is pretty shot today and it scares me. I have to learn how to cope better with this. It's frightening to know that my mind is escaping me, but I had an epiphany.

So many of us that develop all the components of Conversion Disorder go on to have very debilitating lives. It makes me wonder... once the seizures start... These seizures are considered non-epileptic and it isn't supposed to be terminal, but I think it is. What if the seizures are doing more damage to my brain?

Yesterday I had another seizure episode that lasted a little more than half an hour. Bill has been taking  some video here and there of my episodes that I will share in the future, but for now I will retell last night's episode here.

I was getting upset about the medical marijuana bill. I have known for a very long time that my illness would not be on the list, but seeing it in black and white did a number on me. I was distraught. My arm immediately began having tremors, then my neck starting in with the tics that look like big jerks, and my ring finger started going nuts. I was trying to will my body to stop, but it wouldn't listen and I was getting frustrated and then I just shut down.

It was like I understood every single thing that was happening, but I couldn't speak or move any way I wanted. My eyes rolled and fluttered and it was so embarrassing to be out in public that way that I will not venture out again very soon. But beyond the embarrassment, I wasn't sure it was going to stop. The sheer pain that a seizure involves is debilitating. My entire body is cramped and my muscles hurt and my head is still hurting badly from a migraine that just won't quit. All light hurts my eyes and can trigger an episode. I was wearing my sunglasses yesterday, but it didn't do much good. I was at the Texas State Capital for a meeting for patients about medical marijuana. I somehow managed with Bill's help to make it to parking lot. I did make it and I am so very grateful to both Bill and the universe for seeing me through it. It's time for a wheelchair and a shower seat. 

I'm was going to stop taking my oil altogether, but I don't think I will be doing that anymore. I am going to continue taking the light dose I'm on. I can't continue to have these seizures. I believe these seizures are doing more damage to my brain every single time I have one even if western medicine doesn't say so just yet. I see people in my support groups. The ones that have seizures fair worse than the ones that don't and I believe this is the reason for it. Today I have pretty bad memory loss. To completely forget that Bill told me goodbye? To not even be able to recall a smidge of it? No, thank you, universe! This is not how I wish to live. I will continue on my cannabis medication. I'm a believer and I will never stray!!

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