Progress | Dysfunction Junction

I remember the very first time that I couldn't feel my fingers. It began in my middle finger that morning. The finger just got increasingly numb until I couldn't feel it at all. Then it moved into my fingers next to it. Eventually it also moved onto my thumb.

The very first time I experienced it I cried out of pain, but by the third time I cried out of fear. I was scared that I was going to lose the use of my hand, but, of course, I haven't. My hand is still working, just not at full capacity.

For the past couple of weeks I've been noticing a pattern, but not recording it in my journals because I'm scared again. I'm beginning to lose feeling in my legs. It started with my feet going to sleep. I recall them doing that more a few years ago, but the doctor said that was due to having diabetes. Since I've been controlling my diabetes with an organic diet and marijuana I haven't experienced my feet falling asleep until a few weeks ago. It began happening daily. I massaged them and noted it in my head.

Then I started losing feeling in my legs. I noticed one day that I started scratching my legs and wondered briefly why that was. Went on my merry way until I began to notice that I didn't feel how hard I was doing it and my legs ended up with bloody scratches all over.

Tonight I massaged on some coconut oil onto my feet because they've been uncharacteristically dry lately. I didn't feel my feet really. It was like they were there but it wasn't my body part. I rubbed the rest of my body. Sensation has diminished significantly in the last two weeks in my entire body.

And, so, I cry out in fear again. But I'm not just crying over the loss of sensation.  I'm losing something worse. I'm losing my words and thoughts. I've been having memory problems for a while now. I'm having difficulty accessing commonly used vocabulary words. Instead I find myself hemming and hawing while I try to think of an alternative. I find these memory problems annoying and upsetting, but nothing prepared me for what happened today while I was writing.

I was working on my bio for a flyer because I've been asked to speak on GMOs. I had to take the bio off of this website and somehow get it down to two sentences and have it speak to who I am and somehow convince readers to attend the class. Kind of tricky writing, but not horribly difficult. I had to look at the paragraph several times. Not only could I not piece together the sentences, but I couldn't understand my own writing because my brain was confused.

It was truly devastating, but I haven't cried about it. I don't think I can wrap my head around the fact that this may be the best my writing will ever be. My brain will start deteriorating. It's a fact that happens with most neurological disorder patients. The sooner I accept it the better.  I have a family medical history of Alzheimer's, so it was going to happen anyway. I always thought I had more time, but it doesn't look like I do.

This illness seems like it's on a fast train with a missing conductor. All I can do at this point is get out of the way. I'm not going to cry about my writing. No matter how much it hurts me to see dyslexia type typos, no matter how many sentences I have to fix, no matter how many angry tears I brush aside I will never stop trying to get my brain to function and I refuse to give into fear. Fear is a small measly man sitting on a doorstop waiting to pounce on it's next victim and I solemnly refuse to let that be me.

Wellness Journal | Pre-Cannabis Study Notes

This is my very last journal before my meeting with the doctor on August 13, 2014. I'm nervous, but confident in what I'm proposing. I know without a doubt this is happening to me and I have Parkinson's.

I watched a video today of Michael J Fox, I'm reading his book right now, too. I feel it in my bones that I have Parkinson's. I've never felt the other diagnoses like this. There was always a nagging doubt in the back of my head, but now there's just certainty....that the doctors are only guessing. The only person who knows what I'm going through is another Parkinson's patient. I'm looking for one that has taken the oil, but I haven't found him or her just yet, but I will.

I also know that I'm going to beat this!!!!

  

Today is Friday, August 8, 2014. Yay!!

Pain Level:
6 out of 10. (10 = worst.)

Symptoms: 

convulsing, left fongertips, left wrist, left neck, three dizzy spells today.

Progression notes: 

I laid down on my stomach after making love with my neck to the right and my body convulsed in my torso area for a good three minutes. I wanted to cry. I no longer have any control over my body. In that moment I decided to lose control and just let be. I shouldn't worry how others see me, but I do. I have to learn to let go of that fear because it will consume me. Instead I will retrain my brain to remember in such times that control is overrated.

Today is Saturday, August 10, 2014.

Pain Level:

7.5 out of 10. 10 = worst.

Symptoms: 

Right hand started hurting two days ago then my right wrist hurt, then my forearm and bicep. Today my right shoulder and neck hurt, too. My left arm hurts worse, too. A lot of pain today.

Progression notes: 

Two arms in pain. Yay, me.

12pm after smoking

Photo(s) of Left Hand:

Photo(s) of Right Hand:

Mental: 

I'm doing good today except that I keep finding myself being negative about things. I need to believe. I need to watch the secret again.

Happiness Level:
2 out of 10 (10 being the worst.)

Stress Level: 
4 out of 10. (10 being worst.)

Marijuana consumption:
Several bowls this morning and a couple to help with pain.

What I did today:
We got up went out for breakfast at Meños, made love, went to Kmart to get water dispenser because I'm having a difficult time lifting our water jugs.

Conclusion/question: 
I need to drink more lavender kava tea! It helps me with my stress and to sleep. Not to mention how delicious it is! Mmm!!!

Today is Monday, August 11, 2014.

Pain Level: 
8 out of 10. (10 being the worst.)

Symptoms: 
I've been experiencing some shocks to both hands and it causes excruciating pain. Very difficult to hold things or even drive. 😕 severe cramping today, neck and shoulder pain of both sides.

What's going on in my life today:

Lazy day mostly, did a lot of research. Read Michael J Fox. What I read made me sad bc I see so much of myself in his early symptoms. Learned my grandfather was in Korean War. I think he was exposed to agent orange hence his strokes, cancer and Alzheimer's.

Mental: 
I cried a little, but sticking to positivity!

Happiness Level: 
2 out of 10. (10 being the worst.)

Stress Level: 
2 out of 10. (10 being worst.)

Bedtime and Sleep issues: 
Pain while I slept last night.

Marijuana consumption: 
A lot!

Note to self: 
Find body outline to mark pain for blog.

Today is Tuesday, August 12, 2014.

Symptoms: 

8 am: Right side hurts worse today. Cramping in my left shoulder blade. Lots of tremors. Can't control them today and I'm getting stressed about whether or not people will notice at tonight's meeting.
Pain level: 7 out of 10 (10 = worst).

11:19 am: Excrutisting pain. I've been in tears for two hours. 😪 I wish I could cancel tonight's meeting, but I am needed. :(
Pain level: 9 out of 10 (10 = worst).

Mental: 

I need to stop focusing on the negative and start focusing on what I want so positivity can flow easily.

Marijuana consumption:

I'm having a hard time smoking, makes me cough. 

What I did today: 
Dude, I had the best time at the potluck tonight! It was super, super fun! I loved it! And I got so high and happy!!! My estranged sister called. We haven't spoken just yet, but the call will be as its supposed to be...I don't have fear because I miss her. I love her. And because only the universe knows the best possible outcome. 

Wellness Journal | Symptoms, Pain Levels and Photos

My hand looks relatively normal lately even though my pain level was kind of off the charts... Extremely difficult time sleeping... I'm hoping these journals will detail my progress so that patients can benefit from my experiences.

July 30, 2014

Today is Wednesday.

Pain Level:
7 out of 10 (10 = worst).

Symptoms: 

Morning: Burning in my fingers alleviated only by pressing my left middle and ring fingers into the mattress. High tone in relaxed state of left wrist. Right shoulder spasming, pain radiating down into my elbow. Cutting an onion hurts my right bicep and elbow.

Evening: it's 10:23pm. I'm settling down for the night. I find that my left hand is cramping and moving a lot. So is my shoulder. The best thing I can do to help is to put my hand under something so that the movements don't create further cramping. I'm not sure if that's even the right thing to do. Sometimes I wonder if I should just let it do it's thing and not worry so goddamned much if people will think I'm a freak.

Progression notes:
I've noticed that I don't wake up screaming in pain anymore since I broke in my IKEA pillow with dents for my neck. I don't think I've had any episodes of shooting pain and painful numbing sensation except once (after a trip an hour away in Austin) in the last 30 days. This does not mean, however, that my illness has stopped progressing. I do believe that my Illness is getting worse because my trembling is getting worse, not to mention having trouble remembering things and feeling like I'm going to faint.

Pic of left hand at 10:12am:

Pic of right hand:

What's going on in my life today: 

I worried half my day about the Central Texas NORML Alliance meeting today, spent way too much time on FB. More than half the shit I saw was negative. I was already feeling overwhelmed. I need to not look at it so much anymore. It's unimportant compared to my health.

Mental: 
Very scared to make a noticable mental ass of myself. I think I'm going to show my cognitive dysfunction by not being able to finish a thought, but although I found myself sost forgetting I didn't. Would it be really horrible if I did? I'm not sure. I do know that when it dies happen that I'm going to find a way to deal with it. Those that love me wouldn't fault me for it.

Happiness Level: 
I'm very happy with Bill, but I'm unhappy with the plan to move to Colorado. I'm going to miss so many moments in my girls' lives. I don't want them to think that they're not important to me. And it makes me cry every single time I think about it.

Stress Level: 
6 out of 10. (1 being no stress and 10 being the most.)

Bedtime and Sleep issues: 
I can't get my body to rest. I'm tired but too stressed to sleep. My hand is tired but won't rest either. Looks like my shoulder and neck are going to keep the hand company in Painsville tonight.

Marijuana consumption: 
Sporadic smoking. 3-4 bong hits all day. I could use more, but we're trying to conserve.

Private life and/or Sex: Bill and I are happy. No sex today bc Bill didn't feel good this morning and I woke in pain. Not screaming pain, but pain nonetheless.

Tomorrow's plans: 
Sleep and Watch Movies. Limit FB to two hours total for all day.

Notice my left hand at tonight's meeting. I'm so mortified that was caught on camera.

August 1, 2014

Today is Friday.

Pain Level: 
8.5 out of 10. 10 being the worst.

Symptoms: 
Awoke in pain. Smoked Cat Piss (a sativa) and determined it did not ease my cramping so I've decided that I'm going to stick to Indicas. I smoked a second bowl of Berry White and feel so much better even after four hours later. Dizzy spell.

Progression notes: 
Same pattern of pain starting in my left fingertips, to wrist, to elbow, to arm socket to shoulder to neck then moves to right fingertips, to wrist, to elbow, to arm socket to shoulder to neck. This process can take days before everything relaxes from the cramping. I call this a 'Storm'.

Pic of left hand: 9:10am: 

Pic of right hand: 9:10am:

What's going on in my life today:

Today I found out that cannabis oil will not regenerate my dead brain cells, but it will prevent further damage. I was upset, but worked through it. Here’s what I posted on FB about it:

"I learned some very disheartening news today in my research about Parkinson's and cannabis oil. According to what I read cannabis oil does not reverse the damage done to the brain cells. Cannabis does not cure it like it can cure cancer. It seems ludicrous to think anything can cure me at this point. I've lost my positivity and I'm not sure when I'm getting it back.

I saw a photo of me at the CENTEX NORML Alliance meeting where my hand was obviously twisted and cramped. That I no longer have control over it in public is humiliating.That I'm getting worse instead of better and my doctor has no clue how to help me because she's not allowed to officially diagnose me as Parkinson's, well...It's just more than I can bear right now. My mental health is competing with my ever existent excruciating pain.

I have all this wonderfulness going on with Bill and that is what I focus on the most. All this crap came to a head today. I know that i'm going to work through it and I know that whatever is meant to be will be. There's no way for me to know my best possible outcome. Worrying is pointless. i know all that. This information is new and it will take a bit of time for me to process it, that's all.

OH. One piece of news...I won't get any worse once I start the cannabis oil. Cannabis oil is quite expensive for those in illegal states. Sigh."
I have all this wonderfulness going on with Bill and that is what I focus on the most. All this crap came to a head today. I know that i'm going to work through it and I know that whatever is meant to be will be. There's no way for me to know my best possible outcome. Worrying is pointless. i know all that. This information is new and it will take a bit of time for me to process it, that's all. 

OH. One piece of news...I won't get any worse once I start the cannabis oil. Cannabis oil is quite expensive for those in illegal states. Sigh." 

"I do feel everyone's support and it means more than I can say. I woke up this morning with my mind set that the law if attraction, cannabis oil and a healthy diet are my prescriptions. I figure I have a good 20 years until my body gives way to disease IF that actually happens. I'm not going to spend the next twenty years of my life worrying about it. The probability of that happening is higher if I worry about it. I choose to believe that I'm not going to get any worse and I'm okay with living just the way I am right now, but I'm also going to believe that I'm going to be the first ever cure because belief, backed by love is a powerful, powerful weapon that I'm going to wield wisely."

Happiness Level: 
2 out of 10 (10 being the worst) until I heard about this news around 5pm. Then I cracked and the waterworks started flowing. I was deeply upset, unable to see the positive.

Stress Level: 
4 out of 10. (10 being worst)

Bedtime and Sleep issues:
Couldn’t sleep. I was in too much pain.

Marijuana type & consumption: 
2 bowls at 5am (cat piss and Berry white), 11:50 am: bowl of Berry White

Stress Level:
4 out of 10 (10 being worst).

Conclusion/Question: 
I should take pics before and after smoking. Like I said, the law of attraction, an organic diet and cannabis oil are my future. They are all three of the utmost importance. Until I go to Colorado I’ll have to worry about positivity and the diet.

Sat, Aug 2:
long car drive day going into Austin for Lexi's bday party at the mall. Very tired.

Sun, Aug 3:
8 out of 10 pain level.

Mon, Aug 4:
7.5 out of 10 pain level.

8 out of 10 stress level. Stress due to kids testing my limits.

August 5, 2014:

Today is Tuesday.

Pain Level: 
6 out of 10 (10 being the worst).

Symptoms: 
Pain upon waking this morning. I remember crying out in my sleep early this morning.

Pic of left hand 8:40 pm Before smoking: 

10:00 pm After smoking:

Pic of right hand 8:40 pm Before smoking: 

10 pm After smoking: 

What's going on in my life today: 
Visited with Louie Minor, Running for Congress in 31st district in Texas, and told him that I was concerned about pesticides in our food. My girls are visiting and today I made my texmex black bean burgers for dinner. Both girls and Bill loved it!

Mental: 
I've been kind of depressed this past week.

Happiness Level:
4 out of 10 (10 being the worst)

Stress Level: 
6 out of 10. (10 being worst)

Bedtime and Sleep issues: 
I had an extremely difficult time sleeping the past couple of nights.

Marijuana consumption:
Not enough today, but we just got my favorite: Blue Dream!

Private life: 
Bill is being very supportive and sweet and so are all my friends. :)

Treatment Plan | The Secret: Understanding The Law of Attraction

The Wellness Wheel must be balanced in order for one's health to be balanced.  The greatest way to achieve balance in your life is to follow the secret of the law of attraction. I speak a lot about the law of attraction, but it's a difficult concept to really explain, so please listen to Bob Proctor explain it better than I can from the movie entitled The Secret.

You can watch the full version on Netflix.

Last year I was at a crossroads in my life. I didn't know what to do. My career was going well, but my love life was lacking. I applied the law of attraction and I attracted my partner. While in the middle of it I remember him turning to me and saying, "You are a powerful witch. You can make your thoughts happen."

I did make my thoughts happen. I applied the law of attraction. I listened to my feelings. They told me what I needed to do. Every time I started feeling sorry for myself, I believed that everything would work out according to destiny. I gave up control. I celebrated all the good things in my life and I just patiently waited. 

I began to believe in myself and my abilities. The belief is what really counts. If you're worried or in fear then that is what you will attract, but if you are happy and you believe in what you're doing and you create a beautiful feeling to go along with what you want, then anything can be achievable.

My health is not better yet. Part of the reason is that I don't believe it and that is what is holding me back from healing myself. The universe is responding to my feelings, my vibrations and that's what manifests. 

If I can learn to shift my awareness and believe I will get well, then that will happen. Like I said, it isn't an easy concept, but I KNOW that it works.

Think of something beautiful. Dwell on the thought. You'll start to feel better and you will begin to attract love and goodness in your life!

Wellness Journal | Painful Storm

I'm documenting everything on a more regular basis so that I can keep up with my progress and so that I can show this to my doctors. I may not do this every day, but I'm going to do it as often as I can. So, here goes another Guinea Pig experiment!

July 23, 2014

Pain Level: 6 out of 10

What I did today: went to Summer Fun Water Park in Belton, TX with Bill and the girls. Lexi is 10 and Mira is 7.

Symptoms: Dizziness is better than yesterday. Yesterday I barely moved and I was dizzy and felt faint. I fell twice. Pain in left and right arm. Can't lift much in either arm.

Marijuana consumption: smoked 1 bong morning, 1 bong noon and 1 bong night.

Private life: Bill is going to ask me to marry him! We are moving to Colorado and we've started announcing it already. We're making plans to move to CO on March 1. We will be married before we move. Susan and Mira don't know yet. We are waiting to make the announcement until after Bill talks to Sue.

July 23, 2014

Pain Level: 8 out of 10

What I did today: Drove to Austin today for Mira's eye doctor appointment at 9:15a. Drove to kipp for back to school registration. Drove home at 4:15. While driving I almost knodded off as I got to Florence, 40 minutes into my trip. I swerved and jerked the car straighter. I gasped and sobbed, but quickly shook it off.

Private life: I announced on fb today that we're moving to Colorado. It makes me sad that I have to leave my girls, but it's not for forever.
Symptoms: Severe cramping in left arm and hand. I kept it tight to my body today in the hour long drives and around Daryl and strangers. Now it's difficult to get it to stop moving, but my hand stays in the position of Pics 7.23.14. Hard to concentrate. Tired. consumption: smoked 1 bong morning, 2 pinch hitter 11:00am, 2 pinch hitter 4:10pm, 4 bongs between 5-7:30p.

Mental: I'm trying to stay positive and remember that I need to live in the moment with the intent that Colorado is my goal. Bill is my future, but I won't have a future if I don't go to CO for cannabis oil.

I worried that I couldn't self diagnose myself, but I have nothing to fear. I'm going to keep my appointment with dr. Varga to let her know my concerns. My concerns ARE valid and so are my thoughts.

Then I remembered that I'm not in control and hurrying my life along is not natural. It needs to evolve naturally. 

July 26, 2014

Pain Level: 6 out of 10

What I did the past three days: I was in SEVERE PAIN and I was baked the entire time from a road trip alone to Austin. Bill and I have discussed it and we agreed that I can't make the trip alone again.

Symptoms: very tired. No motivation. Left arm, hand and shoulder in pain.

Private life: I'm starting to lose my positivity. I don't believe Bill and I are getting married and I don't believe that cannabis will cure me and I am very, very sad and pissed off as fuck that I have to move to CO and leave everything I've ever worked for AND MY CHILDREN. (See Pic 7.26.14)

Marijuana consumption: 1 bong, 3 cups of day old stem tea

Mental: see private life

July 27, 2014

July 28, 2014

July 29, 2014

Pain Level: 7 out of 10

What I did today: ate breakfast at Meños, hung out at home, Facebook, looked up stuff on Pinterest, more energy today so cleaned dishes and kitchen sink, counters and floor, washed my lingerie.

Symptoms: cramping in hand, wrist, and periodic spasms in left shoulder. Body seems to dance a lot more than usual, even in front of strangers. Can't lay my hand flat, wrist is arched.

Private life: 

Marijuana consumption: 3-4 bong hits throughout day. Very lite consumption for me. Did a few vape hits, too.

Mental: I'm very emotional still and I'm being negative toward myself. It seems like I'm punishing myself for something....but I'm unaware of what that is...

Research | Self Diagnosis of Parkinson's Disease

I remember as a Bipolar patient that I was never supposed to question my doctors. Society thinks that doctors know everything simply because they attend college for eight years. Most people think that doctors have their patient's best interests at heart and some do, but most are more concerned with the bottom dollar than the patient.

My diagnosis has evolved over the years. It's not an easy thing to be a bipolar patient and even harder to be a misdiagnosed one. The drugs that they put you on dope you up more than illegal drugs and they pollute your liver, kidneys and brain like any other. I will go so far as to venture to say that antispychotics, antidepressants, and benzos are the kind of drugs that make you crazier than you were to begin with.

But, I digress. I want to share with you my most recent findings that suggest that what I'm suffering from was caused by a combination of GMOs and pharmaceuticals. Western medicine has given me the diagnosis of Tardive Dyskinesia, but I'm discovering that Parkinson's Disease is my true diagnosis. I'm self diagnosing myself. I'm aware that many people will think I'm crazy (what's new?!), but I say that I'm crazy like a fox. I'm not being a complacent patient anymore. I'm doing the research, standing up for what I believe in and I'm sticking to it!

Over the last six months my disease has progressed tremendously. I've gone from merely having cramping and pain (rigidity) in my left hand and arm to cramping and pain in the left shoulder and neck to cramping and pain in my right hand, arm, neck and shoulder. Since October I've developed severe dizziness from standing up (I've learned to stand up slowly, but it doesn't matter) that makes me feel faint and I've fallen a few times. Since January I've noticed a steady decline in my thought process and I find myself unable to finish my thoughts that are voiced aloud in conversation.

After researching pharmaceutical options (only two drugs for Parkinson's and one is an antipsychotic. We all know how I feel about those!) I have concluded that cannabis oil is essential for the future of my health.

Here are my educated reasons for my self diagnosis of Parkinson's:

1. I was born in Minot, North Dakota in 1974. In 1970, rapeseed began to be mass-produced in that region. Interestingly enough thereare more North Dakotans that have Parkinson's than any other place in theUnited States. The common herbicide used during that time was 2, 4-D. For those not in the know, 2, 4-D was an ingredient in Agent Orange that was used in the Vietnam war. The high prevalence of the herbicide led the Center for Food Safety's report detailing how the herbicide is the reason for the greater numbers of Parkinson's in the area. Pesticides and GMOs are a leading cause of Parkinson's. I read an article that suggests that the herbicide was over everything in the Red River Basin area and babies crawling on the ground were highly susceptible to poisoning from it.

2. At every appointment my neurologist, which specializes in Parkinson’s, has questioned why my illness is progressing when typical Tardive Dyskinesia patients don’t usually progress. In fact, they are usually all better within a couple of years after taking antipsychotics. I’ve been off antipsychotics since 2011. I’ve done some research that suggests that the antipsychotics just kicked in my Parkinson’s earlier than usual.

3. My body presents the following arguments: I have a tremor, rigidity and cramping throughout my body, andorthostatic hypotension which leads to postural instability (my blood pressure gets low and I faint or fall) with dyskinesia movements (looks like my left arm is dancing, uncontrollable), and I'm beginning to experience cognitive dysfunction (I can’t finish my thoughts that are said aloud in conversation). I have three out of the four defining characteristics that are necessary to diagnose Parkinson's.

4. Unfortunately, western medicine dictates that Bradykinesia, the last characteristic, must be present to diagnose Parkinson's. Many patients who are eventually diagnosed with Parkinson's suffer from all of the symptoms for years, maybe decades  before they actually get to the slow and jerky movements. Most Parkinson's patients are diagnosed at the median age of 67.

After researching pharmaceutical options (only two drugs for Parkinson's and one is an antipsychotic. We all know how I feel about those!) I have concluded that cannabis oil is essential for the future of my health. I'm taking steps to attain the substance legally since it is not legal in the state that I live in.

I have to move to Colorado and I'm partially unhappy about my decision. I have children here and it will tear me apart to leave them, but it is my only viable hope to living a pain free life.

I have an appointment scheduled in a couple of weeks to see my specialist, Dr. Varga, but I'm unsure if she can do anything to help me. She is one of the best neurologists in Austin. She's good at being a western medical doctor, but I'm not sure if she's up to date on cannabis research and that's the kind of neurologist I need.

I may not have a medical diagnosis of Parkinson's Disease, but I know what's going on with my body. I scorn all western medicine anyway. It doesn't matter what they say. It only matters if the cannabis oil works for my symptoms and it does and that's A-FUCKING-OKAY for me!