Dry Herb Smoking | 7 of 31 Days to Free Your Mind about Cannabis

Now that we've discussed The Endocannabinoid System and how cannabis is the key to unlocking that system, then we can move onto the fun part - Consuming Cannabis! Cannabis can be consumed by smoking or ingesting. This post will discuss the most popular and quickest way to consume cannabis--smoking!

It can be challenging to for new patients to avoid overmedication, since many of the tools --like bongs and vaporizers-- don't come with many instructions on how to use them or how to have a controlled dosage, so I've gathered some info on my favorite consumption devices.

Consuming Dry Herb...

The most important piece of advice I can give
...the healthiest piece of advice...
is to always smoke out of a 
water filtration device.

The Pipe

Recommended for the Beginner, Intermediate, or Experienced Medical Marijuana Consumer

Glass Bubbler is in-between a pipe and a bong.

Finding the right dosage is pretty simple. You just start by consuming a small amount and work up to an amount that is pleasurable to you and that is effective against your health symptoms. For example, if you've never smoked before then I recommend that you smoke out a pipe for the first time. I recommend a "bubbler" like the one pictured above. It is a water pipe, not a water bong.

"Just a little bit" is a saying that goes a long way for your first time consuming cannabis. I recommend taking two puffs and waiting for 15-30 minutes to see how you feel before consuming more on your first time.

How To Smoke a Pipe Video.

The Dry Herb Vaporizer Pen

Recommended for the Beginner, Intermediate, or Experienced Medical Marijuana Consumer

Smoking out of this vaporizer is good for on the go, but smoking out of glass is healthier.

When you're a medical marijuana patient the best thing you can do for yourself is to buy one of these pens. This is the most important smoking device for anyone on the go. Vaporizers work by heating dry herb or concentrates to a temperature at which the active ingredients boil off and form an inhalable vapor, but below the temperature at which these ingredients approach precombustion or combustion. It's important to note that these are relatively new devices and it is easy to purchase a cheaper one and give up because they don't work. You'll need to purchase one in the $150-250 range for it to work properly and for a long duration of time.

How to use a dry herb vaporizer.

I highly recommend the dry herb pen over a concentrate pen (I will be covering concentrates in a future post) for those that live in illegal states. Some states have stricter laws for concentrates and in those instances concentrates are only recommended for in home use. 

The Joint

Recommended for the Intermediate or Experienced Medical Marijuana Consumer

A joint is a cheap way to smoke, but smoking out of glass is much healthier.

I recommend a joint for two plus persons because a joint is a lot to smoke at one time for one person, however a couple of puffs on this is possible and you can put it out carefully by just snuffing out the flame. For a joint you will need papers, a grinder, and enough cannabis to fill it. You will grind your medical marijuana and place it in the center of the paper and then roll it up using this technique by Eg0re!

How to Roll a Joint Video.

*Metal grinder is a Healthy choice.

The Bong (Ask for "Water Pipe" in Head Shops)

Recommended for the Intermediate, or Experienced Medical Marijuana Consumer

*Glass is a Healthy choice! Use Everclear and epsom salts to clean.

For many smokers, the bong is a personal accessory that is highly sought after for it's design and function. Bongs, or the preferred term of "water pipes" at marijuana paraphernalia shops, are beautiful pieces of glass that are used to consume larger amounts of cannabis. If you are having a bad pain day, then a bong hit is what you'll need. You fill the the bong full of clean, fluoride free water and small chips of ice and you fill the bowl with weed. You will light the bowl and inhale it at the same time. The amount of smoke that comes out depends on how hard you suck, so it's really easy for a newbie to suck in too much smoke. I've found that the easiest way to control that is to suck slowly while lighting the bowl and pull the bowl out of the bong quickly (this stops the marijuana from smoking more) to suck in all the air at one time. If you leave smoke in the bowl and suck it out afterwards, then it will make you cough hard.

How to Smoke a Bong Video.

The Volcano Vaporizer

Recommended for the Experienced Medical Marijuana Consumer

A volcano is not easy to come by, but it can be purchased at some of the nicer head (paraphernalia) shops, but it can be cheaper to find online. I just recently tried a volcano vaporizer for the first time and I loved it. I could taste the delicate flavors of the marijuana and I didn't cough at all (I'm a hacker usually). I appreciated the fact that I could smoke very easily with this device!

The way it works is that you insert the herb into the top middle. You lock the bag into place, turn on the machine and watch the bag fill with the vapor. It is then smoked through the tube and passed around like a joint at parties. The bags that come with it can be reused a lot of times.

How to use The Volcano Vaporizer Video.

Stay tuned for more posts about edibles, oil, and concentrates!

This has been a post from "31 Days to Free Your Mind about Cannabis".

Follow CC's Short-term Cannabis Oil Research & Study for a personal account.
If you're a patient in Texas, please view this information about how you can help legalize!

The Right Cannabis Strain for YOU | 6 of 31 Days to Free Your Mind about Cannabis

Marijuana Plants

Before you can consume cannabis, you need to find the right strain that works for your ailment. There are two different strains, Indica and Sativa, and there is a hybrid which is a combination of the two with one being more dominant than the other. Indica is a short and fat, broad leaved plant that promotes rest, relaxation, and pain relief. Sativa is a narrow, tall leaved plant that increases alertness and energy. It is really all about what works best with your body and ailment. Hybrids are a combo of sativa and indica, so they can be highly sought after like the prized Blue Dream.

The Indica variety of marijuana tends to grow short and bushy, with wide/fat leaves. The buds produced by Indica plants tend to cause a more heavy and relaxing effect, known as a "body high", and can cause people to feel "couchlocked."  

Indica plants tend to be well-suited to grow indoors because of their shape and Indica buds are especially suited to relieve insomnia, muscle tension, nausea, lack of appetite, anxiety, body pain, and depression.

The buds from a Sativa plant cause more of an "in your head" high, sometimes psychedelic, sparking creativity, uplifting your mood, and even can be energizing for some people. Sativa varieties of marijuana are often better suited to growing outdoors as they can grow to 20 feet or more in height. While an indoor grower can use growth control methods to control the height and shape of the plant, a full Sativa can be tough for an indoor grower with limited space. Therefore, many indoor growers who love the Sativa effects will opt for a hybrid that carries the same bud properties, but has been bred to be easier for indoor growing.  

Well-loved by artists, Sativas are especially suited to relieve depression, migraines and certain types of pain, while being more "day-friendly" and energizing than many pure Indicas. [Source]

Sativa = Higher THC levels

Check out this handy Medical Marijuana Strain Review created by patients that lists the ailment first and the strain second!

These handy charts will help, but I highly recommend using Leafly's app on a regular basis. Even if you're in an illegal state, medical grade cannabis should still be available to you and you can make a good buy as long as you know what kind of strain you're buying. Some patients ask me how to find it in their area. Because it's illegal you're going to have to know a guy who knows a guy. You can't know if what you're getting is truly medical grade, but since I've been educated about what marijuana looks and smells like then I have a bit more of an expertise than the usual Medical Jane.

One good piece of advice is to keep your cannabis in a brown colored jar. I make homemade bread so I used a leftover yeast jar. It's a large size and, because it's a dark brown glass, it stays fresher longer. The jars are easy to find in the grocery store and cost at most $3. Sounds like a cheap and wonderful marijuana jar is waiting on Aisle 6, huh? ;p

This has been a post from "31 Days to Free Your Mind about Cannabis".

Follow CC's Short-term Cannabis Oil Research & Study for a personal account.
If you're a patient in Texas, please view this information about how you can help legalize!

Cannabis Safer than Alcohol and Prescription Medications | 4 of 31 Days to Free Your Mind about Cannabis

For those of us that suffer from disease we can walk into any doctors office and leave with a multitude of medications. Anything we want we can attain. One can get benzos and ambien from PCPs and, if you have something more pressing, you can get some major opioids or pain pills from pain management offices.

I took a look at the CDC's website and found some very, very disturbing statistics that made the above one pale in comparison. 74% of all overdoses are due to opioids and 30% are due to benzodiazepines. Most overdoses had a combination of the two. Opioids are prescribed for pain and benzodiazepines are prescribed for anxiety, so therefore the two leading causes of injury death are due to pain and anxiety.

According to Washington Post marijuana there are more trips to the emergency room for prescription medications or alcohol than marijuana, making marijuana safer to consume than prescriptions or alcohol.

According to the National Institute on Drug Abuse, marijuana is the leading drug for illicit teenage use and is followed second by prescriptions. If we legalize marijuana then that will make it necessary for a driver's license to be used to purchase marijuana at a dispensary just as needed for alcohol or narcotic prescriptions, therefore making it as difficult to attain as alcohol or prescriptions.

Marijuana has been proven by studies to be safer to consume. Since the two leading causing prescriptions are written for pain and/or anxiety it is safe to advise that our society would benefit more from the legalization of marijuana than the continued use of alcohol and prescriptions that cause such a high incidence of death.

This has been a post from "31 Days to Free Your Mind about Cannabis".

Follow CC's Short-term Cannabis Oil Research & Study for a personal account.
If you're a patient in Texas, please view this information about how you can help legalize!

What is Cannabis Oil? | 3 of 31 Days to Free Your Mind About Cannabis

My quest for answers about my neurological disorder led me to cannabis oil. As many of you may or may not know, I'm an activist for marijuana reform in Texas. It's been a passion of mine for a little while now. I became a believer when I sought something more natural to help me with pain. I've been smoking it for the past year for medicinal purposes. It's amazing for pain relief and I don't feel as unhealthy as I did while I on Vicodin.

While doing research on Parkinson's, I came across cannabis medical studies on a regular basis. These studies are about patients not only smoking it, but ingesting cannabis oil. The entire marijuana plant, using alcohol as a solvent, is cooked down into a thick resinous oil. When ingested in this manner marijuana becomes a formidable and powerful medicine.

"Run From The Cure" has a bunch of important patient testimonials and it explains what the oil is and how it is made. It's important to understand this so that you can understand how it heals the body.

"Run From the Cure" was the very first movie I ever watched about cannabis oil. I had heard of cannabis oil, but I didn't really know what it was. Dr. Sanjay Gupta's Weed episode touches on the topic briefly, but I wanted to share this video because it's the most important video that anyone with a debilitating disease can watch.

Cannabis oil is the entire plant cooked down using a solvent (I suggest Everclear, not rubbing alcohol as it's less toxic) and then the patient ingests the oil. This oil is highly potent and it is what everyone is talking about. This is what cures cancer and a multitude of other debilitating diseases. If cannabis can't cure it, it can sure make your quality of life way more enjoyable!

Please watch this video and share it with your friends. Education is key to solving our health problems!

Cannabis Oil can cure a multitude of ailments. This is a short list!

This has been a post from "31 Days to Free Your Mind about Cannabis".

Follow CC's Short-term Cannabis Oil Research & Study for a personal account.
If you're a patient in Texas, please view this information about how you can help legalize!

Dr. Sanjay Gupta's Public Apology about Cannabis | 2 of 31 Days to Free Your Mind about Cannabis

I have always been a Sanjay Gupta fan. I've been posting about him since my infancy as "Bipolar Chica". When I came across his CNN segment, Weed, I was intrigued. I didn't even know that he was against marijuana until that point. I watched the hour long documentary in surprise. I had no idea that marijuana had so very many, many health benefits!

After watching his first documentary I had to find out more about him and I did find out ever so much more about marijuana and I began to equate Dr. Gupta as my own personal marijuana doctor/guru. I followed what he said and researched everything and found that he is extremely factual. Please watch the following segments.

Dr. Sanjay Gupta's Apology to Americans for his beliefs about Weed

 Dr. Sanjay Gupta's CNN documentary, "Weed", 43 min.
(Choose between 16 min. or 43 min. versions)

Dr. Sanjay Gupta's CNN documentary, "Weed", 16 min.
(Choose between 16 min. or 43 min. versions)

Dr. Sanjay Gupta's CNN documentary, "Weed 2", 43 min.

If Dr. Gupta can admit his misconceptions, then so can the rest of the medical system!

This has been fun! See you tomorrow, folks!
:D

This has been a post from "31 Days to Free Your Mind about Cannabis".

Follow CC's Short-term Cannabis Oil Research & Study for a personal account.
If you're a patient in Texas, please view this information about how you can help legalize!

How Cannabis Became Illegal | 1 of 31 Days to Free Your Mind about Cannabis

When Henry Ford invented the first automobile to run on hemp, he didn't know that it would create a 75 year marijuana (also known as hemp, hash, cannabis, or marihuana) prohibition. The entire car was made out of hemp and it ran on hemp fuel. The technology was way ahead of it's time! It was truly wonderful because hemp can be grown easily and quickly. It really will answer a lot of environmental questions now that it's being grown in the United States again.


I mention Ford's Model T because that innovation got some tongues wagging. Andrew Mellon, Hoover's Secretary of Treasury, was the primary financial support for DuPont, a company heavy into chemical, fossil fuel and paper manufacturing, and he was concerned that hemp would interfere with his investment. Paper made out of hemp doesn't turn brown, but the paper they were producing needed extra chemicals to keep it white and Mellon wanted to continue to turn a profit, so he joined forces with William Randolph Hearst, producer of several publications in NY and CA. Together they used yellow journalism and sold Reefer Madness to the public. Racism and business fueled Reefer Madness with words like,

“Marihuana influences Negroes to look at white people in the eye, step on white men’s shadows, and look at a white woman twice.”  

In 1932, the Federal Bureau of Narcotics was created under the US Department of Treasury (notice the correlation?). Mellon appointed his niece's husband, Harry J. Anslinger as the chief of the agency.

When he testified before congress he had this to say,   

“Marijuana is the most violence causing drug in the history of mankind…Most marijuana smokers are Negroes, Hispanics, Filipinos and entertainers. Their Satanic music, jazz and swing, result from marijuana usage. This marijuana causes white women to seek sexual relations with Negroes.” 

Within two years, Anslinger drafted the "Marihuana Tax Act of 1937" which was disguised as a tax revenue bill. Since the bill was introduced into the House and Ways Committee that meant that it didn't have to be debated. It didn't hurt that the chairman of the committee was Robert Doughton nor that the member of the Senate Finance Committee to stamp it into law were both DuPont allies.



The American Medical Association (AMA) was opposed to the law because taxing meant that they had to pay those taxes and the doctors didn't want to lose money. They said that they didn't know that this bill was about 'cannabis' as it had been put under the term, 'marihuana'. Marihuana was a word only used by Mexicans at that time (hemp was the name known by society) so it was largely misunderstood. The AMA argued that if the name had been something that they had known then they would've fought the legislation.

In 1969, Leary v. United States, found that the Marihuana Tax Act of 1937 violated our 5th amendment by requiring people to incriminate themselves when paying the tax. In 1970, Congress passed the Controlled Substances Act as Title II of the Comprehensive Drug Abuse Prevention and Control Act. This act required all doctors to keep track of strict security and records. It classified drugs into five categories with marijuana being in the Schedule 1 category with meth, heroin and cocaine due to potential abuse. Remember that the AMA fought the Marihuana Tax Act because they thought it was a viable medication and they didn't want to pay taxes? 

In 1974, the US government became aware that cannabis could cure cancer, but they did not legalize marijuana nor did they tell any citizens about their miraculous discovery. Cancer is a 95.5 billion dollar per year industry. Pharmaceutical companies and the entire medical industry is reaping the benefits of marijuana prohibition. There is little benefit to corporations if marijuana is re-legalized because they won't make as much money off of a natural plant that can be homegrown and produced by the common man and not a high tech pharmacist.

Big Pharma is definitely benefiting monetarily from the prohibition of marijuana. With the inclusion of genetically modified organisms in the 1980's in the American diet, people are becoming severely ill with gastrointestinal and neurological disorders (to name a couple) due to the EPA increasing the amount of allowable pesticides by 3000%. There are so many diseases that cannabis cures and helps that it can be deemed a medicine for all (see my next post about medicinal benefits of the cannabis plant.)

In 1999, the United States government applied for and received a patent on cannabinoids (cannabis).  The government is fully aware that there are many European studies that solidify that marijuana does have medical benefits. The patent states,

"Cannabinoids have been found to have antioxidant properties, unrelated to NMDA receptor antagonism. This new found property makes cannabinoids useful in the treatment and prophylaxis of wide variety of oxidation associated diseases, such as ischemic, age-related, inflammatory and autoimmune diseases. The cannabinoids are found to have particular application as neuroprotectants, for example in limiting neurological damage following ischemic insults, such as stroke and trauma, or in the treatment of neurodegenerative diseases, such as Alzheimer's disease, Parkinson's disease and HIV dementia. Nonpsychoactive cannabinoids, such as cannabidoil, are particularly advantageous to use because they avoid toxicity that is encountered with psychoactive cannabinoids at high doses useful in the method of the present invention. A particular disclosed class of cannabinoids useful as neuroprotective antioxidants is formula (I) wherein the R group is independently selected from the group consisting of H, CH₃, and COCH₃."

The facts are clear. Big Pharma wants to be the one to produce and profit off of the legalization of marijuana. I'm beginning to wonder if whoever is heading up DuPont now still has a stake in all this due to the immersion of news that the government would like to legalize CBD oil only. Despite all of the heavy handed dirty tactics from the United States government, the American people are waking up the medicinal benefits of the 'all-natural' mighty powerful medicinal qualities of cannabis! Over 23 states have some form of legalization and two states have legalized recreational use of marijuana. Several more states such as Florida, Oregon and Pennsylvania are putting legalization on their ballots this November. I believe the entire country will soon have some form of legalization by the year 2020. That's wonderful news for all American patients and means that soon we will all have the right to choose between a 'plant derivitive + chemicals' with multiple harmful side effects or an 'natural plant derivative' without any harmful side effects.

This has been a post from "31 Days to Free Your Mind about Cannabis".

Follow CC's Short-term Cannabis Oil Research & Study for a personal account.
If you're a patient in Texas, please view this information about how you can help legalize!

Recipe | Cannabis Stem Tea

Cannabis Stem Tea is perfect for easing anxiety more effectively than smoking and it's delicious, too!  Save all your stems in an airtight glass jar. This may take months to accumulate enough to make tea. 

Boil water to a rolling boil in a small pot. Add the stems. Turn off the heat and put in a lid. Let steep for 5-10 min. In a teacup add 1/2 cinnamon stick, raw local honey and vanilla hemp milk to taste. This stuff is addictive only because it tastes so damn good!! :)

Wellness Journal | Off the Meds

Please note that this is a repost from my former blog, Guinea Pig.

The last week has been hell. My arm was in so much pain that I succumbed and took a pain pill. I just couldn't take the pain anymore. Marijuana helps with the pain, but when we're out of good quality medical grade, something has to do. It was stupid, stupid, stupid of me to take the pill. Yes, my pain is better, but it's my stomach that's on fire now. So, THIS is why I choose marijuana over pharmaceuticals. Marijuana never makes my stomach so ill that I can't sleep.

Pharmaceuticals create customers, they don't cure.

I'm going through the process of retraining my brain. I'm off of the Klonopins. It's probably why my week was so crappy. I'm still having a really hard time going to sleep when I want to. Last night I got up out of bed and I read a bit until I was so exhausted that I fell asleep when my head hit the pillow. I know that those meds were poisoning my body. I can tell. The last time I stopped taking anti-anxiety meds my body did the same song and dance. I can feel it going through withdrawals.

I'm doing my best to stay healthy during this time. When my body is in pain and I'm trying to detox the medications from my body, I do things like drink ACV and make my marshmallow root tea. Almost every time I've gone off meds I've noticed that my body's immune system goes down and it's protesting louder than at a rally to protest government conspiracies. My allergies get worse. My body starts to feel depraved, angry with me for even ingesting the poison in my body in the first place.

It's a battle of wills that's going on in my mind. I know that pharmaceuticals are bad for me, but yet I take them anyway due to four decades of governmental propaganda that proclaims that western medicine cures all. I know in my head that western medicine has done much in the wonders of surgery, but at what cost? It's my theory that our bodies, our very DNA have been changed by pharmaceuticals. Think about it. If GMOs can alter our DNA, then why wouldn't a chemical spliced with a plant derivative do the same?

So, I hear myself and I believe my words. I know, after so much research into the world of nutrition and psychiatric pharmaceuticals (the worst kind) that I'm right. I know that pharmaceuticals are poison. I know that, and, yet, I still took a pain pill two days ago... It pains my soul to hear it and see it written here. I didn't live up to my own expectations and I've disappointed my own self. While the pain was excruciating, I don't think that a day of no pain was worth the trauma that it does to the rest of my body the day after.

I felt weak yesterday. I felt hungover and tired and sad. Gawd, so very sad. Which brings me to another reason why we shouldn't ingest these medications. It does affect our brain. As someone with a brain disorder, as someone who once had a mental disorder, as someone who has an anxiety disorder...well, that's just HUGE. I don't want these meds to cloud my mind. Don't you ever wonder how Alzheimer's became such a big thing? It's a big thing now because our food, our medications, our air, our water are all poisoning our minds and bodies.

It saddens me that most american people think that the psychiatric industry is a wonder. Yeah, it's a wonder alright...it's a wonder that people swallow their meds like good little patients because the propaganda for Big Pharma in this country is hardcore. Try getting through one hour of regular television without seeing a pharmaceutical ad. I don't have cable, but I do have a subscription to Hulu Plus that I share with another person. If I had to buy it myself, I wouldn't, because they, too, have pharmaceutical ads (hence why I don't watch it often). There are so many ads that remind us that the government cares about us. So many ads that proclaim that we can get better by quickly swallowing an easy, peasy pill.

There's research out there that suggests that pills are damaging our bodies. The studies that say that they poison our minds as well are just not out there yet. GMO studies are taking forever to come out, but they're shocking the american people nonetheless. What do you think will happen when Big Pharma has to submit their studies to an independent researcher? Right now the corporations are doing the studies which means their data is corrupt because there's nobody policing them.

If we don't take a stand and boycott pharmaceuticals two things will happen. One is that we will die. Two is that Big Pharma and the government will win. I refuse to be a guinea pig for anyone anymore. I choose what goes into my body. It may be an inner battle some days, but I will win if I remember that there may be a lot of freedoms that have taken away from us, the American People, but I have one choice left that I can still have control over.

I won't make the same mistake again by taking a pharmaceutical and I'll say it again...

Pharmaceuticals don't make cures, they create customers.

Treatment Plan | The Secret: The Law of Action

I know it's been a while since I wrote last. I'm so busy lately that I barely take time to wallow in my pain. When I was ill, I wallowed a lot. I think the wallowing made my depression worse.

I've become more enlightened. That's not to say that I know everything, because I do not, but I do know more stuff that makes me happy. For example, I've learned that I'm not in control of anything. I don't control what's going to happen from day to day. I used to get so freaked out if I didn't have every little detail all planned out. Now I just wing everything. I like it. It's so freeing, but it took over a decade after someone explained that I might as well live in the moment to understand what that meant.

But, that doesn't mean I don't slip. I'm human. Like today for example. I told my S.O. that I was going to lose the function of my hand. It's totally against the Law of Attraction which is what I've been preaching and practicing until today. My pain is an 8.5 out of 10. I cried a lot today. I had a big pity party. I am crazy in pain even as I write this. My arm is screaming at me and I'm screaming at it in my head. It's not good. I know it isn't. I know that positive thinking and loving thoughts toward my arm are what I really need, but I fought that today. I just needed to wallow. Just a teeny bit.

My partner has a male nurse friend who told him the story of some girl who had pain in her arm and neck like I did. He said that after multiple surgeries the girl was worse off than she had been before she got the surgeries. I know I'm anti-conventional medicine, but I think until I heard that that I harbored some hope that science could miraculously save me even after all I know. Even as I'm typing this, I'm shaking my head at myself. Propaganda and the government gets the credit for this little brainwashing, but now my eyes are open wider and they see clearer than ever before so I can no longer hide behind the fact that the government made me do it. I know better. I made the choice to take the klonopin. No one forced me.

I'm finally getting that being on this Klonopin is a really stupid idea on my part. I know that it helped at one point, but I'm beginning to think we're past the point of it helping without increasing the dosage. I haven't been taking it as it was prescribed. I've been taking half of what the doctor said to take. A nurse would say that I should take the full dose, but I question whether or not I should because up until a couple of months ago it was working just fine. Now I'm beginning to think that my body is no longer recognizing the chemical. If it's not natural, the body rejects it. It's a fact that I know from a ton of research. If my body is rejecting it then that means that I'm going to have to start taking more and more in order to stay "healthy".

The doctor says I have another two and a half years of this tardive dyskinesia crap, but she doesn't know squat. No doctor does. It's just a big guessing game. I prefer to think of it that way, but in reality I think it's more like unethical human experimentation. We all know I'm tired of being someone else's guinea pig. Fuck the doctors and fuck the government. I'm going off the Klonopin effective immediately. I don't want any plant derivative and chemical combo. Not anymore.

Wellness Journal | Severe Pain Will Take Over If I Let It

The last five days were hell. I was in so much pain 24/7. 

I smoked a lot, but it barely touched the pain. 

Every time I lifted something with my left hand I was sure I would drop it, so by the second day I didn't bother holding much. I tested out my theory a couple of times a day…but I couldn't do anything with my hand. I couldn't…and it was hell.

Is this how I want to spend the rest of my days? Only using my left hand minorly? I can't lose the function in my arm. I just can't. I'm a writer. I need to feel of the keys under my fingertips to write. I need the noise, the pattern that the keys make as they tat, tat, tat across the screen. It fuels my writing.

When I think that I may lose that it deeply saddens me. 

It's easy to feel defeated with this disorder. I find myself crying at least once a day. It's not that I'm feeling sorry for myself. It's just that I'm so very tired of the pain. It's exhausting. I don't sleep well at night and I spend my days trying to look for distractions, or at the very least, something that will make my heart laugh. I think that's the best thing one can do when in a chronic pain situation.

Look for the good.

So, every morning I wake up next to a beautiful man. I thank the lucky stars for him. He makes me feel treasured and tortured all in the same breath. He reminds me to feel the good moments so that they can carry over into the bad. And that's a beautiful feeling. It's a beautiful feeling to feel alive even when parts of me feel dead.

Channeling that energy helps me stay positive and not get carried away to the dark side of pain. The dark will creep up on you, attack you when you least suspect it and sink it's teeth into your neck. Like a vicious dog it's intent is to tear your sanity to pieces. Your job is not to let it. 

So, I spend my days…
breathing. meditating. losing myself in music. laughing. enjoying the feel of the sun on my face. and remembering to put my feet in the grass.

Progress | The Cause of My Tardive Dyskinesia

Please note that this was written in November 2013. In August 2014 I discovered that my estranged sister was experiencing the same symptoms as me. The neurologist that diagnosed me doesn't believe that I have tardive dyskinesia any longer. On October 1, 2014 I saw a different neurologist that diagnosed me with Psychogenic Movement Disorder. I do not agree with this diagnosis due to the fact that my estranged sister and mother have similar symptoms.

In 2006, I was mis-diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder which started me on the road of a million teeny, tiny multicolored pills. Anti-depressants, antipsychotics, benzos, and sleeping pills were just a few meds that I took. Every color of the rainbow was represented. I was told by all my doctors that this was the road to wellness. They fucking lied.

I took those psychiatric drugs for four years. Three of those years I was on antipsychotics. A question that I hear often from doctors is how I can be so sure that I don't have bipolar disorder. I laugh humorlessly and then answer, "Because I'm sane without the pills." In my head I add, "Duh. What a dumb fuck this doctor is!" Every medical problem shouldn't be answered with a pill. Pharmaceuticals are plant derivatives, but they're mixed with chemicals. Medication is not an exact science. I can't tell you how many times doctors have told me that, "What works for one patient may not work for another." It makes me shake my head when I hear it. How did I ever let myself become a guinea pig?

The antipsychotics that the psychiatric nurse gave me for my misdiagnosed bipolar caused my brain disorder that's called tardive dyskinesia and it has continued to worsen ever since. I finally got my official diagnosis just earlier this month after having this disorder for three years. It actually felt like a fucking relief to hear it. There were too many goddamn doctors that told me this shit was all in my head. I knew they were full of the shit they were referring to. I wasn't crazy. I was never as crazy as the pills made me. Why couldn't those doctors just admit that they didn't know what it was? It's not common. I get that it can be difficult to diagnose. I've seen a dozen doctors and only ONE doctor said he didn't have a clue, but he sent me to another doctor who added another piece to the puzzle. I had just about given up when I met Dr. Wendee, a chiropractor in Austin. She was convinced that it was the antipsychotics that had done this to me. I agreed, but I drug my feet in going to see the neurologist that she suggested. Most doctors are idiots.

The neurologist gave me a diagnosis and then directed me to another neurological movement disorder specialist. She gave me my official diagnosis of Tardive Dyskinesia. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry when she gave me the diagnosis that I've suspected all along. What will become of me now? What is there left to do medically? If I don't take the pills or let them inject botox into my neck then I will live the rest of my life in pain. Tardive Dyskinesia is not a good diagnosis, but it's mine nonetheless. I may own it, but I'm still a long way from acceptance.

My disorder has progressed more than Dr. Varga likes. She said that most people who have this disorder only have it for a little while. Great. Does this mean I should prepare to become another guinea pig? She wants me to take a medication that will make it almost impossible for me to live without drowsiness and other side effects.  I would be lying if I said that I wasn't still considering it. I don't want to take more pharmaceuticals, but I don't want to be dependent on others the rest of my life either.

To be honest, I feel a little lost on what to do. I can't live with this pain, can I? Can I live with this daily pain? It's more than that. I have variations of pain levels throughout the day, but I am always in pain. Always. What I wouldn't give to turn back the clock and tell my past self not to take the antipsychotics then I definitely would, but that's not something realistic that will help me. I'm not sure if there are any real solutions here. The only two solution I've thought of are to learn to control my mind and investigate cannabis oil further. Perhaps it's time to truly consider moving to Colorado where marijuana is legal. Not only does it help with pain control, it could be the one thing that heals me.

One thing that I know for sure is that I have to live without stress every single day. Stress aggravates my disorder. I have to learn not to give into my fears, the inevitable depression that comes with illness, and self doubt. It's a tall order, but I need to learn how to do all of the above. I need to live one moment at a time and not worry so much about the future. That's a very tall order, but a necessity. I have too many fears due to my diagnosis, but I can't let them rule my life.

Research | Tardive Dyskinesia

Prognosis: "there is no known cure or treatment option to improve symptoms. In fact, many physicians will simply opt to change the patient's medications or eliminate medication use altogether although, ultimately, symptoms of tardive dyskinesia may not improve". [Source]

What Tardive Dyskinesia is:
Antispychotics cause the disorder which is mainly characterized by involuntary movements more often in the face and hands.

"They are often mistaken for psychiatric disturbances and patients may be shunned. During episodes of dystonia, opposing muscles that should relax contract. This can result in a limb that appears distorted. One of the most common manifestations is an ankle that twists and won't bear weight. In some cases, muscle groups that should be uninvolved in the activity being attempted will get involved. The result can be shoulders that swing violently during walking or an entire arm and shoulder that cramp and contort while the hand is holding a pen. In some instances, the opposing hand/arm/shoulder may also contort in a perverse sympathy." [Source]

Tardive dystonia is a syndrome of sustained muscle contractions, frequently causing either (a) twitching and repetitive movements, or (b) abnormal postures (14). Blepharospasm, grimacing, torticollis, retrocollis, and the Pisa syndrome are characteristic movements of tardive dystonia. [The Treatment of Tardive Dyskinesia] 

Antipsychotics work by blocking dopamine receptors along three pathways, and over the long-term, these pathways become increasingly dysfunctional (at least in a high percentage of patients.) The dysfunction in the basal ganglia leads to tardive dyskinesia. The dysfunction in the limbic system and the frontal lobes leads to tardive psychosis and tardive dementia.

So, the antipsychotics blocked my dopamine and as a result, I now have TOO little dopamine: 

Dopamine is defined as a catecholamine. This means that it is a hormone functioning as a neurotransmitter. The body's nervous system is a sophisticated communication network with the brain sending signals to the various systems through electrochemical impulses. These signals travel through the nerves to the terminals, where they interface with receptors on the surface of cells. In order for those signals to pass from the nerve endings, or synapses, to the cell receptors, dopamine — in very specific amounts — must be present. Dopamine also affects emotional state, perceptions, behavior and cognitive thinking. 

This paper proposes that the neuropsychiatric symptoms of tardive dyskinesia, akathisia and pseudoparkinsonian tremor are modulated by a noradrenergic pathway that projects from the locus coeruleus to the linbic system. -AND- Noradrenergic modulation of the limbic system by way of the locus coeruleus accounts for a number of clinical observations, such as the worsening of tardive dyskinesia by stress, the greater risk for tardive dyskinesia in patients with affective disorder, the time-of-onset of tardive dyskinesia, and the coexistence of tardive dyskinesia and pseudoparkinsonism. [source]

The influence of stress on dopamine receptors: 

Besides the qualitative approach to coping with stress, what bodily mechanisms are responsible for dealing with anxiety? The nervous system is almost solely credited with this task. The complex interaction system between billions of individual neurons facilitates large number of behaviors that result due to inputs originating inside and outside the organism. Spaces between neighboring neurons are called synapses, and one way in which they communicate is by sending chemical signals called neurotransmitters across the presynaptic membrane to the postsynaptic membrane. Years of nervous system research have determined that stress activates the neurotransmitter, dopamine. [source]

Although some alternatives and dopamine agonists (drugs that help to restore normal levels of dopamine) have been of some use in treating tardive dyskinesia, the best treatment found thus far is prevention. [source]

Holistic Solutions for Tardive Dyskinesia:

1.  1,600 IU of vitamin E [Source]
2. Vitamin B6 [source]
3. Ginko biloba, 240 mg/day [source]
4. Tarvil Amino Acids [source]
5. Cannabis Oil {[One Study Only for Tardive Dyskinesia] [The afore mentioned study in PubMed] [Cannabis and cannabanoids] [Dr. Sanjay Gupta and Tardive Dyskinesia on Medical Efficacy List] [Cannabis Oil, a Natural Cancer Cure, Natural News] 
1. CB₁ receptors are found primarily in the brain, to be specific in the basal ganglia and in the limbic system, including the hippocampus. [source]
2. Cannabinoid receptors are activated by three major groups ofligands, endocannabinoids (produced by the mammalian body), plant cannabinoids (such as THC, produced by the cannabis plant) and synthetic cannabinoids (suchcaas HU-210). [source]
3. The CB₁ receptor is expressed mainly in the brain (central nervous system or "CNS"), but also in the lungs, liver and kidneys. [Source]
4. U.S. National Library of Medicine's take on CBs. [source]
5. Cannabinoids and Dopamine receptors [source]
6. However, in the reward circuit, just as in the case of other drugs, more dopamine is released. As with opiates, this paradoxical increase is explained by the fact that the dopaminergic neurons in this circuit do not have CB1 receptors, but are normally inhibited by GABAergic neurons that do have them. The cannabis removes this inhibition by the GABA neurons and hence activates the dopamine neurons. [source]
7. This is the ULTIMATE research that advocates for the positive use of cannabis in Tardive dyskinesia patients!