Progress | Dysfunction Junction Part 4

Continued from Dysfunction Junction Part 1, Part 2, and Part 3

Yesterday I went to the emergency room because I had horrible brain fog and a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach. I did not go to the emergency room the night before when I had that terrible episode and I regretted my decision.

I spoke to my sister on the phone and I was telling her about the episode and how I was feeling and we mutually agreed that I should go to the emergency room.

I was anxious. I had been anxious all morning and I couldn't shake it. I was in tears and I didn't want to go to the emergency room when Bill came home from work to take me. I felt bad asking him to quit working, but I was so grateful that the minute I mentioned the word "hospital" he said, "Let's go." I gathered up my kindle and my purse and we headed out the door.

I was already not feeling right and all of a sudden my head started that weird tic thing that started this past Saturday. I was instantly embarrassed and it made me tear up. I started walking funny, started arching my feet while walking just like this past Saturday. When the nurse was checking me in I was having balance issues so they let me sit down. My neck was working overtime so much that it was starting to hurt from the tension.

They got me a wheelchair (I was looking pretty crazy by then) and wheeled me into the drab emergency room. The nurse asked me questions and when she left I had another episode just like the one from the night before. Bill went out to get the nurse so she could see it, but she never came into witness it.  I had three more episodes while we waited.

The PA came in. I was disappointed it wasn't a doctor. He said he had ordered some tests, but didn't tell us what they were. A nurse came in and did an EKG even though there was nothing wrong with my heart.

I felt like all of this was an effort in futility. I asked the nurse if the doctor was going to come into see me because I needed an EEG. She looked at me funny before answering that they didn't have one there. My heart sank and I sighed. We left within ten minutes.

I made an appointment yesterday before going to the hospital to see my Primary Care Physician. We felt that it was important to keep the appointment because I need a referral to see Dr. Jankovic, a neurologist and movement disorder specialist in Houston, and because I wanted his advice about what to do since I'm in-between neurologists. (He thinks he's a guru, by the way.)

Dr. Killian listened to me and took his time. We discussed what had happened and he spoke about partial seizures being a possible answer as to what is happening to me, but in the same breath he cautioned me about using the word "seizures" to describe what's happening to me to doctors. He said it's best not to do that so I don't get a false diagnosis. I kinda think that's ludicrous, but am willing to operate on the side of caution. He gave me prescriptions for some blood work to test for autoimmune diseases and an EEG.

The minute I came home I crashed for a two hour nap which I desperately needed. I'm still trying to make up for that lost night of sleep I had this week. Throughout this ordeal I haven't slept much. I've been anxious. I've been a weepy mess. I've been so very negative. It's like I couldn't see the forest for the trees. I was so focused on this diagnosis or lack there of. It's so incredibly frustrating to see these doctors. I started thinking woe is me. I started thinking that this is all in my head because the doctors all say so. The only thing that's in my head is negativity. I need to replace it with vital positive thoughts. I cannot continue to go down this path because it is not the path to wellness. So, negativity and I had a chat and we broke up!

Now my train seems a little happier. Still on course. Still chugging along without my authorization, but at least the horizon ahead is looking sunny, blue and full of white fluffy clouds.

Treatment Plan | The Secret

I've been applying positive thinking to my life every day for the past week.

I find things or instances that make me feel joy and I remember them over and over again. It makes me feel happier all the time. I don't feel like I'm waiting for the next thing to make me happy, because it's me that making myself happy on a more frequent basis. I'm not waiting. I'm experiencing it NOW. Positive thinking is what is getting me into the groove of making myself better.

Positive thinking works like a charm when you let it.

My newest experiment focuses on the Law of Attraction. Normally I wake when my fingers are on fire and I immediately think in my head how painful it is. Then I worry about how long it will take for it to feel better. Then I worry if my hand and arm will ever be normal again.

Yesterday I tried something different. I switched my thinking. I got up and smoked and ran into the hot shower. As the water was getting warm I told myself that it was already feeling better. I got into the shower and felt the hot water cascade down my neck to my elbow and to my fingers. I put a joyful smile on my face and I thought over and over in my head, "It's feeling remarkably great already!"

Some call it positive thinking. I call it the Law of Attraction.

How does it work? 

1. Envision what you want. Get a clear picture. Got it? 
2. You know that feeling you get when you are in love? There's that moment when you love someone so much that you feel extreme joy just by looking at that person. Bottle that moment and use it to fill your heart with that extreme joy at this very moment. Feel it. Hold onto that feeling.
3. Now using only positive words tell the universe what you want. Tell it what you will have. Say it like you already have it. Then feel thankful for it.
4. Do this several times a day until you glow with your inner light so much that people comment on how much you're glowing on the outside. Then glow more brightly.
5. Enjoy what you've attracted and be ever more mindful of what you think.

The Secret says that it's possible to get anything that's important to you this way. If you want good health then you have to envision yourself healthy and you have to believe that you are even if you're not at this very moment. 

So, right now I'm telling the universe that I am very thankful for my health. I've attracted good health by simply believing it to be so.

And, at this moment…this very moment when I should be in hideous pain while typing…I feel great!

Wellness Journal | Severe Pain Will Take Over If I Let It

The last five days were hell. I was in so much pain 24/7. 

I smoked a lot, but it barely touched the pain. 

Every time I lifted something with my left hand I was sure I would drop it, so by the second day I didn't bother holding much. I tested out my theory a couple of times a day…but I couldn't do anything with my hand. I couldn't…and it was hell.

Is this how I want to spend the rest of my days? Only using my left hand minorly? I can't lose the function in my arm. I just can't. I'm a writer. I need to feel of the keys under my fingertips to write. I need the noise, the pattern that the keys make as they tat, tat, tat across the screen. It fuels my writing.

When I think that I may lose that it deeply saddens me. 

It's easy to feel defeated with this disorder. I find myself crying at least once a day. It's not that I'm feeling sorry for myself. It's just that I'm so very tired of the pain. It's exhausting. I don't sleep well at night and I spend my days trying to look for distractions, or at the very least, something that will make my heart laugh. I think that's the best thing one can do when in a chronic pain situation.

Look for the good.

So, every morning I wake up next to a beautiful man. I thank the lucky stars for him. He makes me feel treasured and tortured all in the same breath. He reminds me to feel the good moments so that they can carry over into the bad. And that's a beautiful feeling. It's a beautiful feeling to feel alive even when parts of me feel dead.

Channeling that energy helps me stay positive and not get carried away to the dark side of pain. The dark will creep up on you, attack you when you least suspect it and sink it's teeth into your neck. Like a vicious dog it's intent is to tear your sanity to pieces. Your job is not to let it. 

So, I spend my days…
breathing. meditating. losing myself in music. laughing. enjoying the feel of the sun on my face. and remembering to put my feet in the grass.

The Secret | Anything is Possible

I know I'm going to have a bad morning when I smoke three bowls and I'm still in pain.

This morning I've decided to do some typing and hope that the exercise will help because something has to work right the fuck now.

It's not easy to be in pain. I feel extremely vulnerable all the time. It eats at your self esteem. All I can think about is that I wish the pain would end and that I'm not strong enough to fight it.

I think I'm in mourning AGAIN. I vowed I would never be here again. I feel myself sliding toward the sadness. I know I must resist. I'm doing my best.

I haven't been running in a while. The last time I went running I came back home and my arm hurt for three days straight. What the fuck?  think the nerves in my arm don't like it, so if I'm in any pain I don't want to go running. I'd go running in mild pain, but anything else is not good. I look at the sky when I run. I remember why it's wonderful to be alive. I'm surrounded by trees. I smell the air. I commune with my inner goddess.

Being Kind to Myself

But there are days when I cannot run. Days when the pain takes over me. Days when the pain is too much to bear. On those days I comfort myself and I try to be kind to myself. Negative thoughts are still there. Mostly I blame myself for taking the antipsychotics that got me in the mess in the first place. I'm not being very kind when I think those thoughts, but I realize they're not and that's half the battle.

Today when I was massaging my hand I tenderly held it for a minute. I thought to my hand, "I love you regardless of how much this hurts, no matter how much this burns, no matter how much you embarrass me. I still love you and I cherish you."

I know it sounds corny, but it made me smile. I have to love myself for me to survive this shit. This may  get me down now and again, but I'm going to beat this disorder with the power of my mind and the power of positivity. And I will.

Because I BELIEVE.

I'm going to remember that it's the power of the mind and living in the moment that will get me through this. When I think that I can't go any further or I'm about to start screaming I will remember that this is going to get better. All I have to do is remember what it was like to have a healthy mind. This is my strategy. You know--along with all the other stuff I'm making up to get through one moment at a time. Thoughts have power. I'd rather explore this angle and make it through this with my head held high, dry eyes, and an incredible confidence that anything is possible if you just believe.