Treatment Plan | The Secret: Belief is Half the Battle to Wellness

I've been receiving messages from the universe telling me to get serious about my health. I haven't been keeping up with my wellness plan lately. I'm just going with the flow everyday trying to stay afloat, but that is no way to live.

I have something I need to accomplish. I need to be well, but I think there's something holding me back...I've been listening to a lot of law of attraction podcasts and one caught my attention. It said that the best way to get what you want is to make a list of cons for the thing that I want. So, here goes nothing...

List of Cons for getting well

1. I won't be able to write with a boring 9 to 5 job. 

It's good to know there's only one thing holding me back from getting better! That's good, but this con list is not what's holding me back. I think what's holding me back is my negative self talk. I am always on the lookout for symptoms and I find that each time my symptoms are bad that my negative self talk turns up the volume. I'm sure that it's having a negative impact. The more I think negatively about it the more it promotes bad health because that's the law of attraction. The more you think about something, good or bad, the more apt that is to happen.

A good book, The Complete Self-Care Guide to Holistic Medicine, introduced me to the wellness wheel. The concept reinforces the idea that the only way to complete wellness is to make sure that all the cogs in the wheel of your life are worked on. The cogs are relationships, physical health, mental health, career, etc. To be well it is important to succeed in each of these areas. I believe that, in order to achieve that, The Secret must be learned.

So my main focus right now in my wellness plan is to have better positive self talk about all my symptoms. I may have brain fog, I may have cognitive dysfunction, but my heart is making up for it. I'm loving more and allowing more love into my life which is something I've never done before. I'm trying something new and focusing on the good of love and it's being returned. Now all I have to do is do that with my health and I will begin to feel better.

Belief is half the battle and that's where I'm getting stuck. I'm having a difficult time believing that the cannabis oil will work. Right now I'm on Day 10 of the new cannabis oil long term study. I've had to back track so that I can slowly increase my dosage so that other neurological patients can benefit from my experience and experiment. I had wonderful success with the short term study and this long term study will not be any different as long as I utilize other components of my wellness plan. The steps to wellness must begin with belief. As long as I have belief that I will get well then it will be so!

Treatment Plan | The Secret: Belief + Intent + Action = A Healthy Me!

I went for my very last doctor appointment this week and it made me decide not to see another western medical doctor again. I've made this decision because I need to focus my energies elsewhere. My mental health needs them the most and I don't have time to have negative energy make waste of the progress I've made when it comes to how zen I've been feeling lately.

I've been doing a lot of research and I keep finding myself equating neurological disorders and mental illness. They seem so intertwined with one another. They are all deeply affected by chemicals and react so similarly with medical marijuana. I've been exploring organic food and marijuana as treatment plans for my neurological disorder, but I believe there's something more...something that all of us should have as a wellness treatment.

One realm I keep coming back to in my research is to think positive. In fact, I believe that there are the parts of the brain that have yet to be explored and there is much to understand between how our food and medicine affects the brain and how positive energy affects it as well. Positive thinking, aka the placebo effect, is pretty intriguing. Is it really mind over matter? And what does that have to do with the law of attraction and my wellness plan?

I believe that there's an area of the brain that is unexplored that when activated regenerates cells in the human body. 

There is much scientific evidence that says that placebos are real. If people think that a medicine cures them that it will. Think about what that says about the power of the mind. Think about what this could mean for all neurological patients. If I'm correct, this could be another avenue towards wellness.

The law of attraction says that in order to have something wonderful happen in your life that you have to believe it into existence. If you believe and you know your intent, then it will be so. But it's not enough to have belief and intent. You must also have time to visualize it happening. Visualize it and it will be so. Take five minutes out of the day to remember a time when you felt the most loved. Remember how it felt, what it smelled like, the colors. Now feel that. Use it to combine with the intent that you want. Continue this practice daily. Remember not to dwell and worry about what you want. At the end of your visualization give it up to the universe. Don't think upon it further. The more you think and think about it, the more negativity you put into it. The best thing to do is live in the moment and let go of all control and all responsibility for the outcome.

This philosophy will require some thinking and retraining of the brain. I have to learn to let go of control and let go of my daydreaming. I have to visualize what I want and what I want is wellness. I need to visualize myself as healthy. What would that look like? What would I do if I weren't confined to my home all day? What would I accomplish? And do I want that? What is it that I want? Do I want to be healthy?

If the answer is yes, then I visualize how beautiful, happy and healthy I am. Notice the language. I did not say that I would hope that I was beautiful, happy and healthy. I said that I already was. Assume that it is already the way you envision it.

I believe the secret is a simple equation. Belief + Intent + Action = Healthy Me. At least that's my new treatment philosophy!

Treatment Plan | The Secret: Understanding The Law of Attraction

The Wellness Wheel must be balanced in order for one's health to be balanced.  The greatest way to achieve balance in your life is to follow the secret of the law of attraction. I speak a lot about the law of attraction, but it's a difficult concept to really explain, so please listen to Bob Proctor explain it better than I can from the movie entitled The Secret.

You can watch the full version on Netflix.

Last year I was at a crossroads in my life. I didn't know what to do. My career was going well, but my love life was lacking. I applied the law of attraction and I attracted my partner. While in the middle of it I remember him turning to me and saying, "You are a powerful witch. You can make your thoughts happen."

I did make my thoughts happen. I applied the law of attraction. I listened to my feelings. They told me what I needed to do. Every time I started feeling sorry for myself, I believed that everything would work out according to destiny. I gave up control. I celebrated all the good things in my life and I just patiently waited. 

I began to believe in myself and my abilities. The belief is what really counts. If you're worried or in fear then that is what you will attract, but if you are happy and you believe in what you're doing and you create a beautiful feeling to go along with what you want, then anything can be achievable.

My health is not better yet. Part of the reason is that I don't believe it and that is what is holding me back from healing myself. The universe is responding to my feelings, my vibrations and that's what manifests. 

If I can learn to shift my awareness and believe I will get well, then that will happen. Like I said, it isn't an easy concept, but I KNOW that it works.

Think of something beautiful. Dwell on the thought. You'll start to feel better and you will begin to attract love and goodness in your life!

Treatment Plan | The Secret: The Law of Action

I know it's been a while since I wrote last. I'm so busy lately that I barely take time to wallow in my pain. When I was ill, I wallowed a lot. I think the wallowing made my depression worse.

I've become more enlightened. That's not to say that I know everything, because I do not, but I do know more stuff that makes me happy. For example, I've learned that I'm not in control of anything. I don't control what's going to happen from day to day. I used to get so freaked out if I didn't have every little detail all planned out. Now I just wing everything. I like it. It's so freeing, but it took over a decade after someone explained that I might as well live in the moment to understand what that meant.

But, that doesn't mean I don't slip. I'm human. Like today for example. I told my S.O. that I was going to lose the function of my hand. It's totally against the Law of Attraction which is what I've been preaching and practicing until today. My pain is an 8.5 out of 10. I cried a lot today. I had a big pity party. I am crazy in pain even as I write this. My arm is screaming at me and I'm screaming at it in my head. It's not good. I know it isn't. I know that positive thinking and loving thoughts toward my arm are what I really need, but I fought that today. I just needed to wallow. Just a teeny bit.

My partner has a male nurse friend who told him the story of some girl who had pain in her arm and neck like I did. He said that after multiple surgeries the girl was worse off than she had been before she got the surgeries. I know I'm anti-conventional medicine, but I think until I heard that that I harbored some hope that science could miraculously save me even after all I know. Even as I'm typing this, I'm shaking my head at myself. Propaganda and the government gets the credit for this little brainwashing, but now my eyes are open wider and they see clearer than ever before so I can no longer hide behind the fact that the government made me do it. I know better. I made the choice to take the klonopin. No one forced me.

I'm finally getting that being on this Klonopin is a really stupid idea on my part. I know that it helped at one point, but I'm beginning to think we're past the point of it helping without increasing the dosage. I haven't been taking it as it was prescribed. I've been taking half of what the doctor said to take. A nurse would say that I should take the full dose, but I question whether or not I should because up until a couple of months ago it was working just fine. Now I'm beginning to think that my body is no longer recognizing the chemical. If it's not natural, the body rejects it. It's a fact that I know from a ton of research. If my body is rejecting it then that means that I'm going to have to start taking more and more in order to stay "healthy".

The doctor says I have another two and a half years of this tardive dyskinesia crap, but she doesn't know squat. No doctor does. It's just a big guessing game. I prefer to think of it that way, but in reality I think it's more like unethical human experimentation. We all know I'm tired of being someone else's guinea pig. Fuck the doctors and fuck the government. I'm going off the Klonopin effective immediately. I don't want any plant derivative and chemical combo. Not anymore.

Treatment Plan | The Secret

I've been applying positive thinking to my life every day for the past week.

I find things or instances that make me feel joy and I remember them over and over again. It makes me feel happier all the time. I don't feel like I'm waiting for the next thing to make me happy, because it's me that making myself happy on a more frequent basis. I'm not waiting. I'm experiencing it NOW. Positive thinking is what is getting me into the groove of making myself better.

Positive thinking works like a charm when you let it.

My newest experiment focuses on the Law of Attraction. Normally I wake when my fingers are on fire and I immediately think in my head how painful it is. Then I worry about how long it will take for it to feel better. Then I worry if my hand and arm will ever be normal again.

Yesterday I tried something different. I switched my thinking. I got up and smoked and ran into the hot shower. As the water was getting warm I told myself that it was already feeling better. I got into the shower and felt the hot water cascade down my neck to my elbow and to my fingers. I put a joyful smile on my face and I thought over and over in my head, "It's feeling remarkably great already!"

Some call it positive thinking. I call it the Law of Attraction.

How does it work? 

1. Envision what you want. Get a clear picture. Got it? 
2. You know that feeling you get when you are in love? There's that moment when you love someone so much that you feel extreme joy just by looking at that person. Bottle that moment and use it to fill your heart with that extreme joy at this very moment. Feel it. Hold onto that feeling.
3. Now using only positive words tell the universe what you want. Tell it what you will have. Say it like you already have it. Then feel thankful for it.
4. Do this several times a day until you glow with your inner light so much that people comment on how much you're glowing on the outside. Then glow more brightly.
5. Enjoy what you've attracted and be ever more mindful of what you think.

The Secret says that it's possible to get anything that's important to you this way. If you want good health then you have to envision yourself healthy and you have to believe that you are even if you're not at this very moment. 

So, right now I'm telling the universe that I am very thankful for my health. I've attracted good health by simply believing it to be so.

And, at this moment…this very moment when I should be in hideous pain while typing…I feel great!

Wellness Journal | Severe Pain Will Take Over If I Let It

The last five days were hell. I was in so much pain 24/7. 

I smoked a lot, but it barely touched the pain. 

Every time I lifted something with my left hand I was sure I would drop it, so by the second day I didn't bother holding much. I tested out my theory a couple of times a day…but I couldn't do anything with my hand. I couldn't…and it was hell.

Is this how I want to spend the rest of my days? Only using my left hand minorly? I can't lose the function in my arm. I just can't. I'm a writer. I need to feel of the keys under my fingertips to write. I need the noise, the pattern that the keys make as they tat, tat, tat across the screen. It fuels my writing.

When I think that I may lose that it deeply saddens me. 

It's easy to feel defeated with this disorder. I find myself crying at least once a day. It's not that I'm feeling sorry for myself. It's just that I'm so very tired of the pain. It's exhausting. I don't sleep well at night and I spend my days trying to look for distractions, or at the very least, something that will make my heart laugh. I think that's the best thing one can do when in a chronic pain situation.

Look for the good.

So, every morning I wake up next to a beautiful man. I thank the lucky stars for him. He makes me feel treasured and tortured all in the same breath. He reminds me to feel the good moments so that they can carry over into the bad. And that's a beautiful feeling. It's a beautiful feeling to feel alive even when parts of me feel dead.

Channeling that energy helps me stay positive and not get carried away to the dark side of pain. The dark will creep up on you, attack you when you least suspect it and sink it's teeth into your neck. Like a vicious dog it's intent is to tear your sanity to pieces. Your job is not to let it. 

So, I spend my days…
breathing. meditating. losing myself in music. laughing. enjoying the feel of the sun on my face. and remembering to put my feet in the grass.

The Secret | Living in the Moment

This morning I feel pretty great, well, my arm does at any rate. My head still has a lingering headache, but it's infinitely better than yesterday. Woo, hoo!

I woke up this morning next to a beautiful man.  A man who makes my heart sing and my pulse race. That's a wonderful thing. I know I have this awful disorder that makes me throw my hands up in defeat, but these are the moments that I need to focus my energy on. The moments that make me so childishly happy, that make my heart flutter, are the ones that I need to absorb all the energy from and re-purpose that energy when I'm in pain or sad. If I can just refocus that energy I would be golden and this would all just fall away.

Every moment like that has so much energy in it to fuel our minds and our bodies. We need that connection to others to make us feel alive. The energy that it produces can fuel us in moments of weakness where the focus is not on the 'here and now', but the 'what if's'. Those moments make us forget what we live for and should be refocused on the positive energy our lives feed us at regular intervals. We just have to pay attention and live fully in the moment to store that energy.

It wasn't until this year that I finally figured this much out. I was a depressed person for too many years to count. This year I awoke to the incredible gift of energy. A therapist tried to get me to understand the concept of living in the moment, but I was too messed up to listen then. It's only now, after years of being off all those psychiatric medications, that I can see and feel what she meant.

Living in the moment is just like it sounds. I savor moments like some people savor chocolate. This past April I helped lead a large protest rally. It was inspirational and it changed my life. I no longer accepted my fate as it was. I was out there changing my life and the lives of others. I was happy for the first time in my life. I encountered people that I didn't know existed. People that were intelligent and made me think. People who questioned all things in life just as I do. That in itself created so much positive energy in my life that I changed my life.

I was no longer satisfied with a half life. I'm not complete in my life to be glowing just yet, but I'm a lot closer than I've ever been before. I was too scared to look at some aspects of my life that needed revising. I was inspired by others to change and so I leapt into the abyss. I'm not going to lie and say that it's not without fear. I'm getting to a place where there will be less of that. I will get to a place where my positive refocusing is a full time gig. This I promise myself.

It's all a matter of living in the moment. Enjoying every single, itty bitty moment. Even the moments that cause pain have energy. I believe it's all about fine tuning that negative energy and adjusting it to invite vibrations of good will to your life. At least that's the conclusion that I've come to. I'm putting that last part into my daily mindful practice.

No time like the present. I believe I will now go love and experience more of those delicious rays of energy. Mmmmm.

The Secret | Anything is Possible

I know I'm going to have a bad morning when I smoke three bowls and I'm still in pain.

This morning I've decided to do some typing and hope that the exercise will help because something has to work right the fuck now.

It's not easy to be in pain. I feel extremely vulnerable all the time. It eats at your self esteem. All I can think about is that I wish the pain would end and that I'm not strong enough to fight it.

I think I'm in mourning AGAIN. I vowed I would never be here again. I feel myself sliding toward the sadness. I know I must resist. I'm doing my best.

I haven't been running in a while. The last time I went running I came back home and my arm hurt for three days straight. What the fuck?  think the nerves in my arm don't like it, so if I'm in any pain I don't want to go running. I'd go running in mild pain, but anything else is not good. I look at the sky when I run. I remember why it's wonderful to be alive. I'm surrounded by trees. I smell the air. I commune with my inner goddess.

Being Kind to Myself

But there are days when I cannot run. Days when the pain takes over me. Days when the pain is too much to bear. On those days I comfort myself and I try to be kind to myself. Negative thoughts are still there. Mostly I blame myself for taking the antipsychotics that got me in the mess in the first place. I'm not being very kind when I think those thoughts, but I realize they're not and that's half the battle.

Today when I was massaging my hand I tenderly held it for a minute. I thought to my hand, "I love you regardless of how much this hurts, no matter how much this burns, no matter how much you embarrass me. I still love you and I cherish you."

I know it sounds corny, but it made me smile. I have to love myself for me to survive this shit. This may  get me down now and again, but I'm going to beat this disorder with the power of my mind and the power of positivity. And I will.

Because I BELIEVE.

I'm going to remember that it's the power of the mind and living in the moment that will get me through this. When I think that I can't go any further or I'm about to start screaming I will remember that this is going to get better. All I have to do is remember what it was like to have a healthy mind. This is my strategy. You know--along with all the other stuff I'm making up to get through one moment at a time. Thoughts have power. I'd rather explore this angle and make it through this with my head held high, dry eyes, and an incredible confidence that anything is possible if you just believe.