Treatment Plan | The Secret: Belief is Half the Battle to Wellness

I've been receiving messages from the universe telling me to get serious about my health. I haven't been keeping up with my wellness plan lately. I'm just going with the flow everyday trying to stay afloat, but that is no way to live.

I have something I need to accomplish. I need to be well, but I think there's something holding me back...I've been listening to a lot of law of attraction podcasts and one caught my attention. It said that the best way to get what you want is to make a list of cons for the thing that I want. So, here goes nothing...

List of Cons for getting well

1. I won't be able to write with a boring 9 to 5 job. 

It's good to know there's only one thing holding me back from getting better! That's good, but this con list is not what's holding me back. I think what's holding me back is my negative self talk. I am always on the lookout for symptoms and I find that each time my symptoms are bad that my negative self talk turns up the volume. I'm sure that it's having a negative impact. The more I think negatively about it the more it promotes bad health because that's the law of attraction. The more you think about something, good or bad, the more apt that is to happen.

A good book, The Complete Self-Care Guide to Holistic Medicine, introduced me to the wellness wheel. The concept reinforces the idea that the only way to complete wellness is to make sure that all the cogs in the wheel of your life are worked on. The cogs are relationships, physical health, mental health, career, etc. To be well it is important to succeed in each of these areas. I believe that, in order to achieve that, The Secret must be learned.

So my main focus right now in my wellness plan is to have better positive self talk about all my symptoms. I may have brain fog, I may have cognitive dysfunction, but my heart is making up for it. I'm loving more and allowing more love into my life which is something I've never done before. I'm trying something new and focusing on the good of love and it's being returned. Now all I have to do is do that with my health and I will begin to feel better.

Belief is half the battle and that's where I'm getting stuck. I'm having a difficult time believing that the cannabis oil will work. Right now I'm on Day 10 of the new cannabis oil long term study. I've had to back track so that I can slowly increase my dosage so that other neurological patients can benefit from my experience and experiment. I had wonderful success with the short term study and this long term study will not be any different as long as I utilize other components of my wellness plan. The steps to wellness must begin with belief. As long as I have belief that I will get well then it will be so!

Wellness Journal | Cannabis Oil Concentrate Short Study Day 2

Continued from Wellness Journal: Day 1 of Cannabis Oil

I took the first dose last night and feel fine. I felt it almost immediately. My spouse says that's not possible, but it's how I felt. Within an hour I was pretty woozy. This morning I woke to less pain and my hand and wrist look somewhat normal!!!

10:40 AM 

Pain level: 6 out of 10.

Time for my next dose at 11am, then again at 4pm and 10pm.

Didn't take a dose at 11 AM so it took some more at 1 PM. I'm kind of getting used to the taste.

1pm Cannabis Oil Dose

8/24/14 Notes: 
I was so super doped up the rest of the day that I didn't do much! I was woozy and tired. I kept falling asleep whenever I sat still for just a moment. It was kind of surreal how much it made me tired. I was still feeling pain, but nothing like before.

The dreams were impressive. I've never had such lucid dreams before. I also remember waking up in a panic, like a panic attack, thinking that something was wrong. Realizing nothing was wrong, I drifted back into sleep. Sleep was really difficult the first night mostly because my sleeping was so lucid. I knew what was going on around me and during my dreams. It was very odd and I had a difficult time adjusting to the feeling.

DISCLAIMER: These journals are intended for informational purposes only.

Help with the cramping and the tremors but doesn't get rid of them.

Going to get a scale today and some gelatin capsules. 

Wellness Journal | Cannabis Oil Concentrate Short Study Day 1

What is Cannabis Oil?

Pain level: 
8.5 out of 10. 

Notes:

12:16 pm:
Tired. Great sex this morning increased my serotonin levels. Severe right hand and arm pain. Trying to relax and remember that everything that's meant to be will be. Trying not to post any negative stuff on Facebook. It's really hard, but I'm trying! Eyes hurt, glasses broke today. Should've been upset, but wasn't. Why is it I feel like I need an assistant and why don't I get everything done in a done that I need to get done?

2:55 pm:
I've been avoiding the mailbox because I'm supposed to get a special secret package today but it was supposed to be here two or three days ago so i'm psyching myself out about it which sucks! it's going to be there I believe that it's going to be there because that's what I believe and that's what I want so I'm emanating love out of my chest right now.... I take that feeling I get when I'm with Bill and I put it inside my chest until my entire body feels like it's pulsing that vibration...

4:00 pm:
I got my oil a few minutes ago!!! It's kind of amazing! It came in an ordinary box, and a gold envelope sealed envelope. I gently tore the envelope open and found a tube of dark green oil. It smelled immediately upon opening it. Amazing, really, how like marijuana it smelled, yet...it smelled like the most marvelous marijuana I've ever seen...

Eating it was fun. I got some on my fingers and I had to gnaw at it with my teeth until it disappeared enough for me to use soap. (No, soap didn't work on it.) I put a small drop of oil on a piece of seaweed and that made me gag, but I kept it down.

9:35 pm: I took it at 8:30. I've been feeling the effects from that from the very minute I took it. 15 minutes after ingesting the oil, my boyfriend, Bill, gave me a shotgun (passing marijuana smoke with mouth to mouth) and that kind of set it off and now I'm so high...so, very, Very high.............

Wellness Journal | Pre-Cannabis Study Notes

This is my very last journal before my meeting with the doctor on August 13, 2014. I'm nervous, but confident in what I'm proposing. I know without a doubt this is happening to me and I have Parkinson's.

I watched a video today of Michael J Fox, I'm reading his book right now, too. I feel it in my bones that I have Parkinson's. I've never felt the other diagnoses like this. There was always a nagging doubt in the back of my head, but now there's just certainty....that the doctors are only guessing. The only person who knows what I'm going through is another Parkinson's patient. I'm looking for one that has taken the oil, but I haven't found him or her just yet, but I will.

I also know that I'm going to beat this!!!!

  

Today is Friday, August 8, 2014. Yay!!

Pain Level:
6 out of 10. (10 = worst.)

Symptoms: 

convulsing, left fongertips, left wrist, left neck, three dizzy spells today.

Progression notes: 

I laid down on my stomach after making love with my neck to the right and my body convulsed in my torso area for a good three minutes. I wanted to cry. I no longer have any control over my body. In that moment I decided to lose control and just let be. I shouldn't worry how others see me, but I do. I have to learn to let go of that fear because it will consume me. Instead I will retrain my brain to remember in such times that control is overrated.

Today is Saturday, August 10, 2014.

Pain Level:

7.5 out of 10. 10 = worst.

Symptoms: 

Right hand started hurting two days ago then my right wrist hurt, then my forearm and bicep. Today my right shoulder and neck hurt, too. My left arm hurts worse, too. A lot of pain today.

Progression notes: 

Two arms in pain. Yay, me.

12pm after smoking

Photo(s) of Left Hand:

Photo(s) of Right Hand:

Mental: 

I'm doing good today except that I keep finding myself being negative about things. I need to believe. I need to watch the secret again.

Happiness Level:
2 out of 10 (10 being the worst.)

Stress Level: 
4 out of 10. (10 being worst.)

Marijuana consumption:
Several bowls this morning and a couple to help with pain.

What I did today:
We got up went out for breakfast at Meños, made love, went to Kmart to get water dispenser because I'm having a difficult time lifting our water jugs.

Conclusion/question: 
I need to drink more lavender kava tea! It helps me with my stress and to sleep. Not to mention how delicious it is! Mmm!!!

Today is Monday, August 11, 2014.

Pain Level: 
8 out of 10. (10 being the worst.)

Symptoms: 
I've been experiencing some shocks to both hands and it causes excruciating pain. Very difficult to hold things or even drive. 😕 severe cramping today, neck and shoulder pain of both sides.

What's going on in my life today:

Lazy day mostly, did a lot of research. Read Michael J Fox. What I read made me sad bc I see so much of myself in his early symptoms. Learned my grandfather was in Korean War. I think he was exposed to agent orange hence his strokes, cancer and Alzheimer's.

Mental: 
I cried a little, but sticking to positivity!

Happiness Level: 
2 out of 10. (10 being the worst.)

Stress Level: 
2 out of 10. (10 being worst.)

Bedtime and Sleep issues: 
Pain while I slept last night.

Marijuana consumption: 
A lot!

Note to self: 
Find body outline to mark pain for blog.

Today is Tuesday, August 12, 2014.

Symptoms: 

8 am: Right side hurts worse today. Cramping in my left shoulder blade. Lots of tremors. Can't control them today and I'm getting stressed about whether or not people will notice at tonight's meeting.
Pain level: 7 out of 10 (10 = worst).

11:19 am: Excrutisting pain. I've been in tears for two hours. 😪 I wish I could cancel tonight's meeting, but I am needed. :(
Pain level: 9 out of 10 (10 = worst).

Mental: 

I need to stop focusing on the negative and start focusing on what I want so positivity can flow easily.

Marijuana consumption:

I'm having a hard time smoking, makes me cough. 

What I did today: 
Dude, I had the best time at the potluck tonight! It was super, super fun! I loved it! And I got so high and happy!!! My estranged sister called. We haven't spoken just yet, but the call will be as its supposed to be...I don't have fear because I miss her. I love her. And because only the universe knows the best possible outcome. 

Wellness Journal | Symptoms, Pain Levels and Photos

My hand looks relatively normal lately even though my pain level was kind of off the charts... Extremely difficult time sleeping... I'm hoping these journals will detail my progress so that patients can benefit from my experiences.

July 30, 2014

Today is Wednesday.

Pain Level:
7 out of 10 (10 = worst).

Symptoms: 

Morning: Burning in my fingers alleviated only by pressing my left middle and ring fingers into the mattress. High tone in relaxed state of left wrist. Right shoulder spasming, pain radiating down into my elbow. Cutting an onion hurts my right bicep and elbow.

Evening: it's 10:23pm. I'm settling down for the night. I find that my left hand is cramping and moving a lot. So is my shoulder. The best thing I can do to help is to put my hand under something so that the movements don't create further cramping. I'm not sure if that's even the right thing to do. Sometimes I wonder if I should just let it do it's thing and not worry so goddamned much if people will think I'm a freak.

Progression notes:
I've noticed that I don't wake up screaming in pain anymore since I broke in my IKEA pillow with dents for my neck. I don't think I've had any episodes of shooting pain and painful numbing sensation except once (after a trip an hour away in Austin) in the last 30 days. This does not mean, however, that my illness has stopped progressing. I do believe that my Illness is getting worse because my trembling is getting worse, not to mention having trouble remembering things and feeling like I'm going to faint.

Pic of left hand at 10:12am:

Pic of right hand:

What's going on in my life today: 

I worried half my day about the Central Texas NORML Alliance meeting today, spent way too much time on FB. More than half the shit I saw was negative. I was already feeling overwhelmed. I need to not look at it so much anymore. It's unimportant compared to my health.

Mental: 
Very scared to make a noticable mental ass of myself. I think I'm going to show my cognitive dysfunction by not being able to finish a thought, but although I found myself sost forgetting I didn't. Would it be really horrible if I did? I'm not sure. I do know that when it dies happen that I'm going to find a way to deal with it. Those that love me wouldn't fault me for it.

Happiness Level: 
I'm very happy with Bill, but I'm unhappy with the plan to move to Colorado. I'm going to miss so many moments in my girls' lives. I don't want them to think that they're not important to me. And it makes me cry every single time I think about it.

Stress Level: 
6 out of 10. (1 being no stress and 10 being the most.)

Bedtime and Sleep issues: 
I can't get my body to rest. I'm tired but too stressed to sleep. My hand is tired but won't rest either. Looks like my shoulder and neck are going to keep the hand company in Painsville tonight.

Marijuana consumption: 
Sporadic smoking. 3-4 bong hits all day. I could use more, but we're trying to conserve.

Private life and/or Sex: Bill and I are happy. No sex today bc Bill didn't feel good this morning and I woke in pain. Not screaming pain, but pain nonetheless.

Tomorrow's plans: 
Sleep and Watch Movies. Limit FB to two hours total for all day.

Notice my left hand at tonight's meeting. I'm so mortified that was caught on camera.

August 1, 2014

Today is Friday.

Pain Level: 
8.5 out of 10. 10 being the worst.

Symptoms: 
Awoke in pain. Smoked Cat Piss (a sativa) and determined it did not ease my cramping so I've decided that I'm going to stick to Indicas. I smoked a second bowl of Berry White and feel so much better even after four hours later. Dizzy spell.

Progression notes: 
Same pattern of pain starting in my left fingertips, to wrist, to elbow, to arm socket to shoulder to neck then moves to right fingertips, to wrist, to elbow, to arm socket to shoulder to neck. This process can take days before everything relaxes from the cramping. I call this a 'Storm'.

Pic of left hand: 9:10am: 

Pic of right hand: 9:10am:

What's going on in my life today:

Today I found out that cannabis oil will not regenerate my dead brain cells, but it will prevent further damage. I was upset, but worked through it. Here’s what I posted on FB about it:

"I learned some very disheartening news today in my research about Parkinson's and cannabis oil. According to what I read cannabis oil does not reverse the damage done to the brain cells. Cannabis does not cure it like it can cure cancer. It seems ludicrous to think anything can cure me at this point. I've lost my positivity and I'm not sure when I'm getting it back.

I saw a photo of me at the CENTEX NORML Alliance meeting where my hand was obviously twisted and cramped. That I no longer have control over it in public is humiliating.That I'm getting worse instead of better and my doctor has no clue how to help me because she's not allowed to officially diagnose me as Parkinson's, well...It's just more than I can bear right now. My mental health is competing with my ever existent excruciating pain.

I have all this wonderfulness going on with Bill and that is what I focus on the most. All this crap came to a head today. I know that i'm going to work through it and I know that whatever is meant to be will be. There's no way for me to know my best possible outcome. Worrying is pointless. i know all that. This information is new and it will take a bit of time for me to process it, that's all.

OH. One piece of news...I won't get any worse once I start the cannabis oil. Cannabis oil is quite expensive for those in illegal states. Sigh."
I have all this wonderfulness going on with Bill and that is what I focus on the most. All this crap came to a head today. I know that i'm going to work through it and I know that whatever is meant to be will be. There's no way for me to know my best possible outcome. Worrying is pointless. i know all that. This information is new and it will take a bit of time for me to process it, that's all. 

OH. One piece of news...I won't get any worse once I start the cannabis oil. Cannabis oil is quite expensive for those in illegal states. Sigh." 

"I do feel everyone's support and it means more than I can say. I woke up this morning with my mind set that the law if attraction, cannabis oil and a healthy diet are my prescriptions. I figure I have a good 20 years until my body gives way to disease IF that actually happens. I'm not going to spend the next twenty years of my life worrying about it. The probability of that happening is higher if I worry about it. I choose to believe that I'm not going to get any worse and I'm okay with living just the way I am right now, but I'm also going to believe that I'm going to be the first ever cure because belief, backed by love is a powerful, powerful weapon that I'm going to wield wisely."

Happiness Level: 
2 out of 10 (10 being the worst) until I heard about this news around 5pm. Then I cracked and the waterworks started flowing. I was deeply upset, unable to see the positive.

Stress Level: 
4 out of 10. (10 being worst)

Bedtime and Sleep issues:
Couldn’t sleep. I was in too much pain.

Marijuana type & consumption: 
2 bowls at 5am (cat piss and Berry white), 11:50 am: bowl of Berry White

Stress Level:
4 out of 10 (10 being worst).

Conclusion/Question: 
I should take pics before and after smoking. Like I said, the law of attraction, an organic diet and cannabis oil are my future. They are all three of the utmost importance. Until I go to Colorado I’ll have to worry about positivity and the diet.

Sat, Aug 2:
long car drive day going into Austin for Lexi's bday party at the mall. Very tired.

Sun, Aug 3:
8 out of 10 pain level.

Mon, Aug 4:
7.5 out of 10 pain level.

8 out of 10 stress level. Stress due to kids testing my limits.

August 5, 2014:

Today is Tuesday.

Pain Level: 
6 out of 10 (10 being the worst).

Symptoms: 
Pain upon waking this morning. I remember crying out in my sleep early this morning.

Pic of left hand 8:40 pm Before smoking: 

10:00 pm After smoking:

Pic of right hand 8:40 pm Before smoking: 

10 pm After smoking: 

What's going on in my life today: 
Visited with Louie Minor, Running for Congress in 31st district in Texas, and told him that I was concerned about pesticides in our food. My girls are visiting and today I made my texmex black bean burgers for dinner. Both girls and Bill loved it!

Mental: 
I've been kind of depressed this past week.

Happiness Level:
4 out of 10 (10 being the worst)

Stress Level: 
6 out of 10. (10 being worst)

Bedtime and Sleep issues: 
I had an extremely difficult time sleeping the past couple of nights.

Marijuana consumption:
Not enough today, but we just got my favorite: Blue Dream!

Private life: 
Bill is being very supportive and sweet and so are all my friends. :)

Wellness Journal | Painful Storm

I'm documenting everything on a more regular basis so that I can keep up with my progress and so that I can show this to my doctors. I may not do this every day, but I'm going to do it as often as I can. So, here goes another Guinea Pig experiment!

July 23, 2014

Pain Level: 6 out of 10

What I did today: went to Summer Fun Water Park in Belton, TX with Bill and the girls. Lexi is 10 and Mira is 7.

Symptoms: Dizziness is better than yesterday. Yesterday I barely moved and I was dizzy and felt faint. I fell twice. Pain in left and right arm. Can't lift much in either arm.

Marijuana consumption: smoked 1 bong morning, 1 bong noon and 1 bong night.

Private life: Bill is going to ask me to marry him! We are moving to Colorado and we've started announcing it already. We're making plans to move to CO on March 1. We will be married before we move. Susan and Mira don't know yet. We are waiting to make the announcement until after Bill talks to Sue.

July 23, 2014

Pain Level: 8 out of 10

What I did today: Drove to Austin today for Mira's eye doctor appointment at 9:15a. Drove to kipp for back to school registration. Drove home at 4:15. While driving I almost knodded off as I got to Florence, 40 minutes into my trip. I swerved and jerked the car straighter. I gasped and sobbed, but quickly shook it off.

Private life: I announced on fb today that we're moving to Colorado. It makes me sad that I have to leave my girls, but it's not for forever.
Symptoms: Severe cramping in left arm and hand. I kept it tight to my body today in the hour long drives and around Daryl and strangers. Now it's difficult to get it to stop moving, but my hand stays in the position of Pics 7.23.14. Hard to concentrate. Tired. consumption: smoked 1 bong morning, 2 pinch hitter 11:00am, 2 pinch hitter 4:10pm, 4 bongs between 5-7:30p.

Mental: I'm trying to stay positive and remember that I need to live in the moment with the intent that Colorado is my goal. Bill is my future, but I won't have a future if I don't go to CO for cannabis oil.

I worried that I couldn't self diagnose myself, but I have nothing to fear. I'm going to keep my appointment with dr. Varga to let her know my concerns. My concerns ARE valid and so are my thoughts.

Then I remembered that I'm not in control and hurrying my life along is not natural. It needs to evolve naturally. 

July 26, 2014

Pain Level: 6 out of 10

What I did the past three days: I was in SEVERE PAIN and I was baked the entire time from a road trip alone to Austin. Bill and I have discussed it and we agreed that I can't make the trip alone again.

Symptoms: very tired. No motivation. Left arm, hand and shoulder in pain.

Private life: I'm starting to lose my positivity. I don't believe Bill and I are getting married and I don't believe that cannabis will cure me and I am very, very sad and pissed off as fuck that I have to move to CO and leave everything I've ever worked for AND MY CHILDREN. (See Pic 7.26.14)

Marijuana consumption: 1 bong, 3 cups of day old stem tea

Mental: see private life

July 27, 2014

July 28, 2014

July 29, 2014

Pain Level: 7 out of 10

What I did today: ate breakfast at Meños, hung out at home, Facebook, looked up stuff on Pinterest, more energy today so cleaned dishes and kitchen sink, counters and floor, washed my lingerie.

Symptoms: cramping in hand, wrist, and periodic spasms in left shoulder. Body seems to dance a lot more than usual, even in front of strangers. Can't lay my hand flat, wrist is arched.

Private life: 

Marijuana consumption: 3-4 bong hits throughout day. Very lite consumption for me. Did a few vape hits, too.

Mental: I'm very emotional still and I'm being negative toward myself. It seems like I'm punishing myself for something....but I'm unaware of what that is...

Wellness Journal | Storm

patient note

very stressed yesterday. i woke this morning full of pain. my instant thought was that today i was going to experience a storm attack which normally lasts from three to nine days. i had a negative thought, "oh, gawd, here comes another week of pain" and it made me panic. i recognized it and immediately counteracted it with positive thoughts of "i will be fine" and "if it's meant to be who am i to stop it?". it is an effective bandaid. still sore and in pain, but my mental ability to deal with it is ever so much better! Morning sex didn't hurt either! ;)

symptoms

pain goes from neck down to mid back over to shoulder into the ball socket and down into my elbow and into my cramped, c shaped fingers

my ring finger, middle finger, index finger and thumb are numb and in the claw position during the day
middle finger is getting worse in numbness and i can barely feel it during a storm.

dizziness when i'm just moving from one place to another on the bed and it freaks me out

mild headaches continue (probably allergies)

stress when i can't think a thought all the way through without forgetting midway and this bothers me when i have to run meetings

current treatment

once weekly meditation (i know i've been slacking!)
no pharmaceuticals
no alcohol
marijuana as pain and anxiety control
daily acv
organic diet
restricted intake of restaurant food

treatment needed

daily meditation

daily finger exercises
daily mirror exercises
daily 1 lb. weight arm exercises
three times weekly meditative yoga

diet/holistic changes needed

15 day detox
three times daily acv
candida cleanse

Treatment Plan | The Secret: The Law of Action

I know it's been a while since I wrote last. I'm so busy lately that I barely take time to wallow in my pain. When I was ill, I wallowed a lot. I think the wallowing made my depression worse.

I've become more enlightened. That's not to say that I know everything, because I do not, but I do know more stuff that makes me happy. For example, I've learned that I'm not in control of anything. I don't control what's going to happen from day to day. I used to get so freaked out if I didn't have every little detail all planned out. Now I just wing everything. I like it. It's so freeing, but it took over a decade after someone explained that I might as well live in the moment to understand what that meant.

But, that doesn't mean I don't slip. I'm human. Like today for example. I told my S.O. that I was going to lose the function of my hand. It's totally against the Law of Attraction which is what I've been preaching and practicing until today. My pain is an 8.5 out of 10. I cried a lot today. I had a big pity party. I am crazy in pain even as I write this. My arm is screaming at me and I'm screaming at it in my head. It's not good. I know it isn't. I know that positive thinking and loving thoughts toward my arm are what I really need, but I fought that today. I just needed to wallow. Just a teeny bit.

My partner has a male nurse friend who told him the story of some girl who had pain in her arm and neck like I did. He said that after multiple surgeries the girl was worse off than she had been before she got the surgeries. I know I'm anti-conventional medicine, but I think until I heard that that I harbored some hope that science could miraculously save me even after all I know. Even as I'm typing this, I'm shaking my head at myself. Propaganda and the government gets the credit for this little brainwashing, but now my eyes are open wider and they see clearer than ever before so I can no longer hide behind the fact that the government made me do it. I know better. I made the choice to take the klonopin. No one forced me.

I'm finally getting that being on this Klonopin is a really stupid idea on my part. I know that it helped at one point, but I'm beginning to think we're past the point of it helping without increasing the dosage. I haven't been taking it as it was prescribed. I've been taking half of what the doctor said to take. A nurse would say that I should take the full dose, but I question whether or not I should because up until a couple of months ago it was working just fine. Now I'm beginning to think that my body is no longer recognizing the chemical. If it's not natural, the body rejects it. It's a fact that I know from a ton of research. If my body is rejecting it then that means that I'm going to have to start taking more and more in order to stay "healthy".

The doctor says I have another two and a half years of this tardive dyskinesia crap, but she doesn't know squat. No doctor does. It's just a big guessing game. I prefer to think of it that way, but in reality I think it's more like unethical human experimentation. We all know I'm tired of being someone else's guinea pig. Fuck the doctors and fuck the government. I'm going off the Klonopin effective immediately. I don't want any plant derivative and chemical combo. Not anymore.