I know I'm going to have a bad morning when I smoke three bowls and I'm still in pain.
This morning I've decided to do some typing and hope that the exercise will help because something has to work right the fuck now.
It's not easy to be in pain. I feel extremely vulnerable all the time. It eats at your self esteem. All I can think about is that I wish the pain would end and that I'm not strong enough to fight it.
I think I'm in mourning AGAIN. I vowed I would never be here again. I feel myself sliding toward the sadness. I know I must resist. I'm doing my best.
I haven't been running in a while. The last time I went running I came back home and my arm hurt for three days straight. What the fuck? think the nerves in my arm don't like it, so if I'm in any pain I don't want to go running. I'd go running in mild pain, but anything else is not good. I look at the sky when I run. I remember why it's wonderful to be alive. I'm surrounded by trees. I smell the air. I commune with my inner goddess.
Being Kind to MyselfBut there are days when I cannot run. Days when the pain takes over me. Days when the pain is too much to bear. On those days I comfort myself and I try to be kind to myself. Negative thoughts are still there. Mostly I blame myself for taking the antipsychotics that got me in the mess in the first place. I'm not being very kind when I think those thoughts, but I realize they're not and that's half the battle.
Today when I was massaging my hand I tenderly held it for a minute. I thought to my hand, "I love you regardless of how much this hurts, no matter how much this burns, no matter how much you embarrass me. I still love you and I cherish you."
I know it sounds corny, but it made me smile. I have to love myself for me to survive this shit. This may get me down now and again, but I'm going to beat this disorder with the power of my mind and the power of positivity. And I will.