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Sunday, November 17, 2013

The Secret | Anything is Possible

I know I'm going to have a bad morning when I smoke three bowls and I'm still in pain.

This morning I've decided to do some typing and hope that the exercise will help because something has to work right the fuck now.

It's not easy to be in pain. I feel extremely vulnerable all the time. It eats at your self esteem. All I can think about is that I wish the pain would end and that I'm not strong enough to fight it.

I think I'm in mourning AGAIN. I vowed I would never be here again. I feel myself sliding toward the sadness. I know I must resist. I'm doing my best.

I haven't been running in a while. The last time I went running I came back home and my arm hurt for three days straight. What the fuck?  think the nerves in my arm don't like it, so if I'm in any pain I don't want to go running. I'd go running in mild pain, but anything else is not good. I look at the sky when I run. I remember why it's wonderful to be alive. I'm surrounded by trees. I smell the air. I commune with my inner goddess.

Being Kind to Myself

But there are days when I cannot run. Days when the pain takes over me. Days when the pain is too much to bear. On those days I comfort myself and I try to be kind to myself. Negative thoughts are still there. Mostly I blame myself for taking the antipsychotics that got me in the mess in the first place. I'm not being very kind when I think those thoughts, but I realize they're not and that's half the battle.

Today when I was massaging my hand I tenderly held it for a minute. I thought to my hand, "I love you regardless of how much this hurts, no matter how much this burns, no matter how much you embarrass me. I still love you and I cherish you."

I know it sounds corny, but it made me smile. I have to love myself for me to survive this shit. This may  get me down now and again, but I'm going to beat this disorder with the power of my mind and the power of positivity. And I will.

Because I BELIEVE.

I'm going to remember that it's the power of the mind and living in the moment that will get me through this. When I think that I can't go any further or I'm about to start screaming I will remember that this is going to get better. All I have to do is remember what it was like to have a healthy mind. This is my strategy. You know--along with all the other stuff I'm making up to get through one moment at a time. Thoughts have power. I'd rather explore this angle and make it through this with my head held high, dry eyes, and an incredible confidence that anything is possible if you just believe.

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