Doctor Notes | Guinea Pig

I've been doing some research on TETRABENAZINE. The doctor recommended this medication for my tardive dyskinesia. Don't get me started on the why. The cause. The reason I'm suffering. I can sum it up in one word. PSYCHIATRY.

Doctors are always wanting to experiment on my body. Wtf is that?!!

The medicine is not FDA approved. I have to go to a special "pharmacy" to get it which means it's probably expensive as fuck. OH. Here's the kicker: it is government subsidized because they don't want to do trials on the medication.

Of course, I wonder if this will work for me. If it would ease my pain, my embarrassment, etc, etc. Then I wonder...is this so bad? Could I live like this if I had to?

FUCK THE SYSTEM. I'M NOT GIVING UP.

.............................................................................


I am not going to be sucked into the pharmaceutical run around yet again in my life. If this doesn't work I'm sure the doctor would offer an alternative. Doctors are just drug pushers. Plain and Simple.

So, I'm starting this blog. I'm going to document everything that happens to me.

DAY ONE

Yesterday, I saw Dr. Varga in Austin, TX. She recommended the aforementioned medication. She wrote the name on a piece of paper at my request. It was good to see a doctor not hesitate to do that, but I wonder if they're trained to be good little salesmen in medical school at the same time.

The examination consisted of asking questions.

"What hurts?" The european lady doctor asks.

"My left arm from my fingertips to my shoulder and neck."

"Are you doing that movement?"

"No, ma'am I can't control that." I sink from sitting up straight to a shameful shrug.

"Do you just have movement in your arm?"

"No, ma'am." I gulp out some courage. "It's in my neck, too."

"Turn your neck to the right. Do you feel any pain? How about the left?"

"Yes, some in my left."

She had me walk up and down a hall. Then asked me what my arm was like when I typed.

"It's actually pretty fine."

"Let's see."

A keyboard was provided for me and I typed over and over, "It's a beautiful day" until I was asked to stop. Yes, I typed quickly. I do everything quickly. But while they were distracting me they noticed some sort of foot movement that I should have asked to see. Did I mention they videotaped it?

Tardive dyskinesia. That's my diagnosis from this doctor. The last one said it was focal dystonia. Do these doctors even have a clue?

To be fair, Tardive Dyskinesia is a relatively new movement disorder.  There's only like 200,000 patients known with this in the US and the cause is that anti-psychotics are being given to patients for more than the three recommended months that the pharmaceutical companies suggest on the package.

I took three to four different kinds of antipsychotics and I was on them for SIX FUCKING YEARS. I feel a lawsuit brewing. A big one because I'm pissed as hell.

Fuck the doctors. Fuck the pharmaceutical companies. Fuck the entire psychiatry medical field. We are merely guinea pigs.

They don't know anything. This is not the kind of science I was taught to love. This is little men and women experimenting on human beings. The medication that I was once again asked to injest is in the Benzo family. It's a derivative. It's a fucking joke because it's plant based, but it's spliced with a heavy chemical. It's yet another type of psychiatric drug. ANOTHER ONE. They all promise to alleviate the previous symptom and then they give you a million other ailments to fuck your body up even more.

FUCK THAT. This is my fucking body. MINE. I'm not giving it up to science. I will not be a lab rat or a guinea pig or a rabbit or any other fucking thing.

Why can't we just all respect life? Why can't we just let it all be? Why do we always have to fix everything?? Fix NOTHING.

We are meant to be better than all this bullshit. We are meant to evolve. We need to be better than a drug addicted society. We need enlightenment.

Let us all go forth and be guinea pigs no longer.