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Saturday, September 6, 2014

Progress | Dysfunction Junction Part 2

The train continued its fast past by making today the very worst that I've ever had in terms of tremors. This morning I woke in terrible pain in my right shoulder and neck. I woke up, stiffly got up out of bed and stumbled into the shower. As soon as the scalding water hit my neck and shoulder I started crying. I was in serious pain. 

I stood in the shower as long as I was able and then I made it back to the bed and waited for 8 am. It came slowly. Bill brought me my morning dose of Cannabis Olive Oil (my healer had authorized an increase) and I was almost in tears again when I saw it. I desperately needed relief. I waited one hour and then I gave up and smoked three bowls of marijuana.

I made love to my significant other and then got up to get dressed. My movements did not get better after smoking, but my mood did and I got ready for breakfast. During a normal Saturday morning conversation my spouse and I converse in a lively manner and today was no different. As I was trying to put on a shirt and yoga pants I began to notice pretty severe tics that I could not control. It seemed like the tics were going to happen today no matter what I had planned.

They are just as weird and odd looking as you could imagine. My neck kept jerking to the left and my speech was noticeably slurred. I could tell that Bill could tell, but he never said a word about the cognitive dysfunction. He made some half ass joke about my tics, but other than that said nothing. He held onto me and asked me constantly if I needed help. I can tell often when he's feeling overwhelmed with everything. He's such a special intuitive and empathic man. I don't often have to tell him how I'm feeling because he just knows and he sometimes knows before I do.

I found an Austin 420 magazine in the car and I began reading aloud an article that Tracy Ansley wrote about the Texas Exodus to Colorado because neurological disorder patients seeking medical marijuana are moving there. It was about this young boy who had to move to Colorado without his father and how much he misses him and wishes that marijuana were legal in Texas so he could be home again with his family. My throat caught in a sob the minute I ended the paragraph. I looked at Bill and saw tears rolling down his cheeks just like mine. We smiled at each other and then Bill helped me into the restaurant. 

My legs began doing a very odd dance as we looked for a booth. Walking that short walk was interesting because I found myself stopping a lot. I also started doing this thing with my feet where I stand up on my tip toes as I walk. We ordered and talked a little. My speech was slurring and I found myself almost stopping quite a bit. Some of it was because I couldn't start a word. Either I couldn't remember it or I couldn't get it out of my mouth. There was a bunch of stuttering. Stuttering has been going on for quite a bit now, but this was new and more pronounced.

The food finally came. I was starving. I started filling my tortilla with eggs, potato and beans and found that I couldn't do it very well. I was moving so very, very slowly. My fork went toward the beans and slowly moved to scrape it into my tortilla. I tried to move faster, but I just couldn't. The eggs were a bit harder to scoop up, but I managed to get some into my taco. The slowness wasn't getting to me I kept repeating internally, but, then again, it was. Then there were three or four fried potatoes to place on top. Then there was the salsa. Then I had to stop and drink a bunch of water because I was so very thirsty. By the time I had finished loading up my first taco Bill had already eaten half his plate and I was sick of eating.

After breakfast we went and picked up my daughter for her weekend visit. Usually I try to not show my girls what I look like when I'm like this, but today I decided that I'm not going to try to hide it anymore in public. It's stupid really, because if I try to stop the movement from happening in one area then it just moves to another or the movements get out of control. I notice that if I just let them happen that I feel better. My muscles don't get quite as tense.

Today I showed my daughters my terrible movements. They were understandably not happy about the day's illness, but they were okay with it. My youngest told me that I looked funny when I did my head jerk movements which, thankfully, didn't last too long. I told her that I'm sure they looked funny, but they did not feel good and that I was embarrassed about what it looked like. My seven year old stopped and thought about it before telling me that I shouldn't be embarrassed and I was the best mommy in the whole world. That made me smile really big and it warmed my heart. She's such a wonderful, empathetic old soul!

After dinner my kid and I went to Kmart to buy her some clothes. There's only one handicapped shopping cart in the store, so M pushed the cart for me and we shopped. I was happy, but exhausted. My body had been through hell already with constant movements and it was tired, but I had a job to do for my daughter. 

While trying on clothes I noticed the attendant paying attention my conversation with my daughter. I wonder if the lady thought I was drunk when I spoke to her. My words were slurred, filled with stutters, and I bumped into stuff when I walked near her. 

My train is on a fast track, but right now I'm having a bit of reprieve. My body is finally slowing down and my brain is slowly lifting the brain fog alert. The aches and pains are at a higher level than normal, but it's manageable. I had someone ask me how I stay so strong which is very sweet. I thought about it before I replied, "It's not that I'm strong. I have belief that there is a reason why I'm on this blazing train. Maybe it's because this is what I'm supposed to be doing. Maybe this is my reason for living."

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