I've been enjoying my children. It's been semi-sweet thinking that I might leave them to go to another state as a medical marijuana refugee. My children are young and impressionable and they desperately need me and I need them. I don't want to leave them, so when I see them I hug on them extra tight and smile extra big. They make me so happy! They are so beautiful inside and out and I'm a proud mother. :)
My cornerstone, my rock, my everything has been Bill. He has been here with me from the beginning. It was shaky between us at first. We didn't know how we were going to deal with whatever disease I had together. He wasn't sure that he could take care of me if it came down to it. It has come down to it and it's working beautifully. He holds my hand when I need it, gets my ass up when it needs to be, motivates me to be doing something that makes me happy. He watches me silently and he is noticing my symptoms. He's my extra pair of eyes. He is not a passive observer in my life. He's an active partner to me in every way. He always has my back. I can always count on him and I trust him like none other. I'm a lucky, lucky woman and I count my lucky stars every single minute, no...every single second of the day for him.
But it is his urging that makes me document this when I really don't want to...
My arms H U R T. They fucking hurt. They won't fucking stop hurting. i just want them to fucking stop hurting. why the fuck do they hurt????????????????????
Deep breath. Wipe tears.
The tremors are coming back just a little bit, but not a lot. The wrist is starting to bend again, but not a lot. The pain was getting better, but today it's worse. Those are my physical symptoms.
Writing this has made me cry, but the rest of the day was beautiful. I had a very nice day with my sleeping prince. Bill really does make all of this so much more bearable. I do enjoy my life. I do enjoy the work that I'm doing to help legalize marijuana. It is remarkable and very rewarding work.
This morning we were having breakfast and I happened across a faux report stating that Texas had legalized marijuana. I didn't know it was fake. I read it once. My heart was beating quickly. I read it twice. Tears started streaming down my cheeks. Bill joined me and he asked me if it was true. I said that I didn't know, but wouldn't it be fucking awesome?!? We smiled largely at each other through our tears. And then we found out it was fake.
So, because my arms hurt and I can't yell at them, I'm going to yell at Snope. YOU MOTHER FUCKING BASTARDS!!!! We have sick children that are separating and migrating away from their parents just to have a better quality of life! Please don't make this worse for them and for the rest of us waiting in dire need! Please have hearts!
The reward hasn't come yet obviously. Texas has not legalized marijuana through some miraculous bill. I mean I thought it was fishy to read that Perry was doing it. Wasn't he indicted? Wouldn't that mean this power is suspended or something? Anyway, the reward is coming. It will be here soon. I believe that medical marijuana will come to Texas and I'm going to fight for it until it does.
(That was important to note, but what's more important to get back to is my original thought. I had to reread what I had just written to get it. It's a memory thing that I'm dealing with. We'll have to get used to it together as reader and writer...)
The big picture...There's a bigger picture here than just my symptoms and Bill and me. There's the universe. Somehow it's brought all this together.... Every single piece of it is as it should be...for whatever reason that has yet to be revealed. I trudge on in positivity usually, but lately I'm floating around. My love for Bill and his for me is radiating between us and I'm channeling it again in my chest. I feel it floating there like a ball of fire. I'm channeling it into my arms. I feel the energy pulsate down my shoulder through my elbows and down through my fingers. I'm getting back to my original plan. I'm getting back to this plan of healing myself with the sheer will power of my mind and I'm going to do it with the love that I'm feeling right now. I'm channeling that into belief that I will be well and I'm going to do find more to back it up by meditation. I'm going to elevate above this consciousness. I've been collecting medications, but it's time to find some news ones to inspire me, too....My original plan included cannabis oil and I just realized that I have every single ingredient together that I put on my vision board!!!! Now it's time to get to work!
Oh? That big picture? Yeah, well, I'm getting to work!!!! You want to find out what's going on in my head? Follow me on Facebook most of all, Instagram second of all and Twitter if you must! ;p