My hand looks relatively normal lately even though my pain level was kind of off the charts... Extremely difficult time sleeping... I'm hoping these journals will detail my progress so that patients can benefit from my experiences.
July 30, 2014
Today is Wednesday.
Pain Level:
7 out of 10 (10 = worst).
7 out of 10 (10 = worst).
Symptoms:
Morning: Burning in my fingers alleviated only by pressing my left middle and ring fingers into the mattress. High tone in relaxed state of left wrist. Right shoulder spasming, pain radiating down into my elbow. Cutting an onion hurts my right bicep and elbow.
Morning: Burning in my fingers alleviated only by pressing my left middle and ring fingers into the mattress. High tone in relaxed state of left wrist. Right shoulder spasming, pain radiating down into my elbow. Cutting an onion hurts my right bicep and elbow.
Evening: it's 10:23pm. I'm settling down for the night. I find that my left hand is cramping and moving a lot. So is my shoulder. The best thing I can do to help is to put my hand under something so that the movements don't create further cramping. I'm not sure if that's even the right thing to do. Sometimes I wonder if I should just let it do it's thing and not worry so goddamned much if people will think I'm a freak.
Progression notes:
I've noticed that I don't wake up screaming in pain anymore since I broke in my IKEA pillow with dents for my neck. I don't think I've had any episodes of shooting pain and painful numbing sensation except once (after a trip an hour away in Austin) in the last 30 days. This does not mean, however, that my illness has stopped progressing. I do believe that my Illness is getting worse because my trembling is getting worse, not to mention having trouble remembering things and feeling like I'm going to faint.
I've noticed that I don't wake up screaming in pain anymore since I broke in my IKEA pillow with dents for my neck. I don't think I've had any episodes of shooting pain and painful numbing sensation except once (after a trip an hour away in Austin) in the last 30 days. This does not mean, however, that my illness has stopped progressing. I do believe that my Illness is getting worse because my trembling is getting worse, not to mention having trouble remembering things and feeling like I'm going to faint.
Pic of left hand at 10:12am:
Pic of right hand:
What's going on in my life today:
I worried half my day about the Central Texas NORML Alliance meeting today, spent way too much time on FB. More than half the shit I saw was negative. I was already feeling overwhelmed. I need to not look at it so much anymore. It's unimportant compared to my health.
Mental:
Very scared to make a noticable mental ass of myself. I think I'm going to show my cognitive dysfunction by not being able to finish a thought, but although I found myself sost forgetting I didn't. Would it be really horrible if I did? I'm not sure. I do know that when it dies happen that I'm going to find a way to deal with it. Those that love me wouldn't fault me for it.
Happiness Level:
I'm very happy with Bill, but I'm unhappy with the plan to move to Colorado. I'm going to miss so many moments in my girls' lives. I don't want them to think that they're not important to me. And it makes me cry every single time I think about it.
Stress Level:
6 out of 10. (1 being no stress and 10 being the most.)
Bedtime and Sleep issues:
I can't get my body to rest. I'm tired but too stressed to sleep. My hand is tired but won't rest either. Looks like my shoulder and neck are going to keep the hand company in Painsville tonight.
Marijuana consumption:
Sporadic smoking. 3-4 bong hits all day. I could use more, but we're trying to conserve.
Very scared to make a noticable mental ass of myself. I think I'm going to show my cognitive dysfunction by not being able to finish a thought, but although I found myself sost forgetting I didn't. Would it be really horrible if I did? I'm not sure. I do know that when it dies happen that I'm going to find a way to deal with it. Those that love me wouldn't fault me for it.
Happiness Level:
I'm very happy with Bill, but I'm unhappy with the plan to move to Colorado. I'm going to miss so many moments in my girls' lives. I don't want them to think that they're not important to me. And it makes me cry every single time I think about it.
Stress Level:
6 out of 10. (1 being no stress and 10 being the most.)
Bedtime and Sleep issues:
I can't get my body to rest. I'm tired but too stressed to sleep. My hand is tired but won't rest either. Looks like my shoulder and neck are going to keep the hand company in Painsville tonight.
Marijuana consumption:
Sporadic smoking. 3-4 bong hits all day. I could use more, but we're trying to conserve.
Private life and/or Sex: Bill and I are happy. No sex today bc Bill didn't feel good this morning and I woke in pain. Not screaming pain, but pain nonetheless.
Tomorrow's plans:
Sleep and Watch Movies. Limit FB to two hours total for all day.
Sleep and Watch Movies. Limit FB to two hours total for all day.
 |
| Notice my left hand at tonight's meeting. I'm so mortified that was caught on camera. |
August 1, 2014
Today is Friday.
Pain Level:
8.5 out of 10. 10 being the worst.
8.5 out of 10. 10 being the worst.
Symptoms:
Awoke in pain. Smoked Cat Piss (a sativa) and determined it did not ease my cramping so I've decided that I'm going to stick to Indicas. I smoked a second bowl of Berry White and feel so much better even after four hours later. Dizzy spell.
Awoke in pain. Smoked Cat Piss (a sativa) and determined it did not ease my cramping so I've decided that I'm going to stick to Indicas. I smoked a second bowl of Berry White and feel so much better even after four hours later. Dizzy spell.
Progression notes:
Same pattern of pain starting in my left fingertips, to wrist, to elbow, to arm socket to shoulder to neck then moves to right fingertips, to wrist, to elbow, to arm socket to shoulder to neck. This process can take days before everything relaxes from the cramping. I call this a 'Storm'.
Same pattern of pain starting in my left fingertips, to wrist, to elbow, to arm socket to shoulder to neck then moves to right fingertips, to wrist, to elbow, to arm socket to shoulder to neck. This process can take days before everything relaxes from the cramping. I call this a 'Storm'.
Pic of left hand: 9:10am:
Pic of right hand: 9:10am:
What's going on in my life today:
Today I found out that cannabis oil will not regenerate my dead brain cells, but it will prevent further damage. I was upset, but worked through it. Here’s what I posted on FB about it:
Today I found out that cannabis oil will not regenerate my dead brain cells, but it will prevent further damage. I was upset, but worked through it. Here’s what I posted on FB about it:
"I learned some very disheartening news today in my research about Parkinson's and cannabis oil. According to what I read cannabis oil does not reverse the damage done to the brain cells. Cannabis does not cure it like it can cure cancer. It seems ludicrous to think anything can cure me at this point. I've lost my positivity and I'm not sure when I'm getting it back.
I saw a photo of me at the CENTEX NORML Alliance meeting where my hand was obviously twisted and cramped. That I no longer have control over it in public is humiliating.That I'm getting worse instead of better and my doctor has no clue how to help me because she's not allowed to officially diagnose me as Parkinson's, well...It's just more than I can bear right now. My mental health is competing with my ever existent excruciating pain.
I have all this wonderfulness going on with Bill and that is what I focus on the most. All this crap came to a head today. I know that i'm going to work through it and I know that whatever is meant to be will be. There's no way for me to know my best possible outcome. Worrying is pointless. i know all that. This information is new and it will take a bit of time for me to process it, that's all.
OH. One piece of news...I won't get any worse once I start the cannabis oil. Cannabis oil is quite expensive for those in illegal states. Sigh."
I have all this wonderfulness going on with Bill and that is what I focus on the most. All this crap came to a head today. I know that i'm going to work through it and I know that whatever is meant to be will be. There's no way for me to know my best possible outcome. Worrying is pointless. i know all that. This information is new and it will take a bit of time for me to process it, that's all.
OH. One piece of news...I won't get any worse once I start the cannabis oil. Cannabis oil is quite expensive for those in illegal states. Sigh."
"I do feel everyone's support and it means more than I can say. I woke up this morning with my mind set that the law if attraction, cannabis oil and a healthy diet are my prescriptions. I figure I have a good 20 years until my body gives way to disease IF that actually happens. I'm not going to spend the next twenty years of my life worrying about it. The probability of that happening is higher if I worry about it. I choose to believe that I'm not going to get any worse and I'm okay with living just the way I am right now, but I'm also going to believe that I'm going to be the first ever cure because belief, backed by love is a powerful, powerful weapon that I'm going to wield wisely."
Happiness Level:
2 out of 10 (10 being the worst) until I heard about this news around 5pm. Then I cracked and the waterworks started flowing. I was deeply upset, unable to see the positive.
2 out of 10 (10 being the worst) until I heard about this news around 5pm. Then I cracked and the waterworks started flowing. I was deeply upset, unable to see the positive.
Stress Level:
4 out of 10. (10 being worst)
4 out of 10. (10 being worst)
Bedtime and Sleep issues:
Couldn’t sleep. I was in too much pain.
Couldn’t sleep. I was in too much pain.
Marijuana type & consumption:
2 bowls at 5am (cat piss and Berry white), 11:50 am: bowl of Berry White
2 bowls at 5am (cat piss and Berry white), 11:50 am: bowl of Berry White
Stress Level:
4 out of 10 (10 being worst).
4 out of 10 (10 being worst).
Conclusion/Question:
I should take pics before and after smoking. Like I said, the law of attraction, an organic diet and cannabis oil are my future. They are all three of the utmost importance. Until I go to Colorado I’ll have to worry about positivity and the diet.
I should take pics before and after smoking. Like I said, the law of attraction, an organic diet and cannabis oil are my future. They are all three of the utmost importance. Until I go to Colorado I’ll have to worry about positivity and the diet.
Sat, Aug 2:
long car drive day going into Austin for Lexi's bday party at the mall. Very tired.
long car drive day going into Austin for Lexi's bday party at the mall. Very tired.
Sun, Aug 3:
8 out of 10 pain level.
8 out of 10 pain level.
Mon, Aug 4:
7.5 out of 10 pain level.
7.5 out of 10 pain level.
8 out of 10 stress level. Stress due to kids testing my limits.
August 5, 2014:
Today is Tuesday.
Pain Level:
6 out of 10 (10 being the worst).
Symptoms:
Pain upon waking this morning. I remember crying out in my sleep early this morning.
Pic of left hand 8:40 pm Before smoking:
6 out of 10 (10 being the worst).
Symptoms:
Pain upon waking this morning. I remember crying out in my sleep early this morning.
Pic of left hand 8:40 pm Before smoking:
10:00 pm After smoking:
Pic of right hand 8:40 pm Before smoking:
10 pm After smoking:
What's going on in my life today:
Visited with Louie Minor, Running for Congress in 31st district in Texas, and told him that I was concerned about pesticides in our food. My girls are visiting and today I made my texmex black bean burgers for dinner. Both girls and Bill loved it!
Visited with Louie Minor, Running for Congress in 31st district in Texas, and told him that I was concerned about pesticides in our food. My girls are visiting and today I made my texmex black bean burgers for dinner. Both girls and Bill loved it!
Mental:
I've been kind of depressed this past week.
I've been kind of depressed this past week.
Happiness Level:
4 out of 10 (10 being the worst)
Stress Level:
6 out of 10. (10 being worst)
Bedtime and Sleep issues:
I had an extremely difficult time sleeping the past couple of nights.
Marijuana consumption:
Not enough today, but we just got my favorite: Blue Dream!
Private life:
Bill is being very supportive and sweet and so are all my friends. :)
4 out of 10 (10 being the worst)
Stress Level:
6 out of 10. (10 being worst)
Bedtime and Sleep issues:
I had an extremely difficult time sleeping the past couple of nights.
Marijuana consumption:
Not enough today, but we just got my favorite: Blue Dream!
Private life:
Bill is being very supportive and sweet and so are all my friends. :)
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